I have pretty much had it with Christmas songs that are laments that someone's "baby," "sweetie," "honey," or "darling" is not there, or celebrations of the fact that that honeybunny IS there.
That is simply not what Christmas is supposed to be about. Fuck off! You need to understand, if he or she wouldn't make the effort to be with you at Christmas, they probably hate your fucking guts anyway. Get over it, freak. What are you, a stalker?
Examples include that wretched "Please Come Home for Christmas" by the Eagles, "Christmas, Baby Please Come Home" by too many fucking people to count, "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters ("Logs on the fire fill me with desire?" Holy shit that is terrible!), and "All I want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey.
Next on the banning list: Anything that combines Christmas with "Rockin!" Christmas doesn't rock. End of. If you want to rock, wait 6 days and rock on New Year's eve, you idiots. Or better yet, rock at Easter. "Have a Rockin' Little Easter!" would be awesome: "Jesus woke up; Let's Rock!"
The two most egregious offenders of this idiotic genre are of course "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." WHO THE FUCK ROCKS AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE? If you're doing that, you need to be in fucking rehab. Toss in that "Little Saint Nick" tune by the Beach Boys. Brian Wilson may have been a genius, but that song makes me want to put him back in the asylum forever.
I'm very disturbed by songs about making out with Santa Claus. This is some seriously fucked up imagery: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Great. It's bad enough the kid's mom is a slut and he sees it, but she happens to be swapping spit with Father Fucking Christmas! Also included is "Santa Baby."
Up next: Songs that have absolutely no connection to Christmas. "Baby It's Cold Outside?" "Walking in a Winter Wonderland?" Nope. Nothing at all. Who made the rule that you have to have songs about snow anyway? The whole fucking planet does NOT live in Vermont, assholes.
While I'm at it, all songs that end with a very slow playing of the first few notes of "Jingle Bells" must be banned. This is not cute or interesting, it's a fucking cliche. Please start with "Christmas in Dixie" by Alabama. In fact, please kill Alabama and destroy every copy of every one of their recordings.
All recordings of Christmas songs by Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, Barbara Streisand (yes, yes, I know), Whitney Houston, George Michael, and any other person who screams their fucking heads off should be dropped into a volcano.
Lastly, please never again let me hear a "Christmas Novelty Song." This would be that mind-numbing "Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer" and that dumbarsed song about Snoopy having Christmas dinner with a WWI German pilot. Take the people who made this dreck out back and beat them senseless with a snowshovel.
This leaves us with a nice, tidy, sensible catalog of Christmas songs. Either traditional carols or pop songs sung by the masters. Which reminds me: If you have a copy of Bing Crosby or Nat King Cole singing a Christmas tune, why the fuck are you playing the version recorded by some talentless contemporary hack? It's simple, really:
White Christmas = Bing Crosby
The Christmas Song = Nat King Cole
Follow that example and you'll be fine.
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