I just had a crisis

Holy fucking hell.

I never used to floss, but I finally found a dentist's office that I respected enough to start heeding their guilt trips about it. Nowdays I just do it. It's what I do. I'm like a sailor or an inventor. I MUST floss.

So this weekend I realised that I'd lost my floss. You got no idea what evil that did to me. No floss, no peace. I had some goofy spare floss from 1983, kiddie floss, bubble-gum flavoured (because kids will floss automatically given bubble-gum flavoured floss). It sucked. It broke. I bled.

Today I was having a wee snack, some lovely prosciutto, and a bit of it got stuck up on the top left and I tried to floss the bitch out with the substitute floss and it broke. And then more broke. And then I tried various combinations of thread, fingernails, kitchen utensils, pig tendons, and violence.

Nothing worked and in fact I think I just got more crap jammed in there, not at the gumline but just between the teeth. PAIN, motherfucker!!!!

(side note: Those dorkologists on the Verizon commercial, the ones that call each other just to make fart noises or send pictures of themselves dressed as "Banana Insertion Man," well, they must die.)

I just had to drive to the goddamn pharmacy on an emergency floss run. And once there, I actually broke open a box and sampled the shit right there and it broke just like the crap I had at home. So I sprang for the expensive stuff and ran to the car. (I did run.)

And I sat in the car listening to "All Things Considered," furiously trying to floss the hell out from beneath my teeth, and the shit kept breaking and kept breaking and kept breaking and kept breaking and I threw out a pile of broken floss on the ground like a littering bastard, madly, insanely, cursing all the while, my teeth unnaturally spread by the various flotsam jammed in there like a WWI trench.

I don't think I've felt that insane in a long, long, time. But...eventually, one of the strips of floss worked its way in between and I was FREE!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, sweet release.

On one side of the moment I was a rabid, mad beast gone off the edge. Having crossed over, I felt positively beatific.

And there you have the story of the crisis in my mouth. And you weren't invited.

All the bad things

I like to drink. Catch that? I said I LIKE to drink. I enjoy it. I don't feel that I must drink. It's just what I do.

I used to drink to avoid thinking. Then I read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp and it hit me hard in the face and stomach that I was not growing as a person. I won't preach. I do think that drinking to avoid thinking is not advisable if that's all one does. You gotta think sometime, boy.

Also, and this will probably cause Attorney General Sanchez great consternation, I like to smoke the ganja every now and again. I'm no pothead. Just sometimes I like to visit cartoon land.

I like to fondle women--con permiso, of course. I won't expand on this.

I like to watch and talk sports wif me mates. This is a very typical man thing, isn't it? Crude and stupid. Just like me! Huzzah!

I'm terribly, terribly vain. Sean called me a "dandy" in his brogue. "Lookit ya, wi' yer Guess Jeans an' yer J. Crew shirt and yer Aveda hair products! That shite's 'spensive, ya know!" I do know, Sean. I do. And I'm sorry.

I waste time watching television. Now, I've never seen an episode of "Friends" (thank Christ), and I do actively seek out public broadcasting, but every now and then I need a little cotton candy and thus I turn to Jennifer Garner, or Caliente. That's "Caliente!" of course.

In the words of George Best, "I've spent a fortune on drink and women. The rest of my money I just squandered."

Confession. See, I told you it feels good to unburden yourself. And according to Newsweek, I am tall, handsome, and wealthy.