Men in Yellow n Blue

I heard an interview recently with Josh Brolin where he answered the question "How exactly does one develop a Tommy Lee Jones impression?"

"You pick something about him, that's what you do."

Like one thing, you pick it and you decide how that will influence your impression.

What one thing has Arsene Wenger picked about great footballing sides and decided to have his imitate?

What's that you say, Mr. Know it all Yank stats blogger man who bores us all to death at 7am? That Wenger is a true genius who completely transformed football by not copying any successful manager who came before him?

Hmm.

Well maybe not.

Is there one thing about this Arsenal side that stands out to you? What is the signature aspect of this side? I mean, apart from injuries, obviously.

Tiki taka? Pfft. Come on. This team gives away possession of the ball like an ugly drunken uni girl gives away her naughty bits.

So what is it? What is this team about? What is that "one thing?" Go on. The only thing you can pinpoint is Al Sanchez being great. Thank effing Christ.

I always thought, or hoped, that any manager who aspires to be truly great would not mind stealing from his predecessors.  A style. A tick. One thing that connected his side to another great one.

Robbie Mustoe, footballing expert, summed up this current incarnation of the Arsenal today in one sentence: "They tried to hang on and see out the victory but they're just not built to do that."

Indeed they are not. Even against a side down to 10 men, they are not. This is the same side that drew at Leicester. They're simply not that good. And by "that good" I mean able to protect a lead.

Perhaps the characteristic that Wenger has copied from some other manager is frailty.

I fear that 10 years into the future people will describe this time as "the declining Wenger years." You know. It's all gone to shit, and you'll be able to pinpoint that time where your club went from challenging for the title to challenging for barely finishing above Spurs.

It didn't have to be like this. Silent Stan and Futile Wenger could have made this better. More's the pity, eh?

PV4

The first Arsenal player whose name I knew was Ian Wright. "Wright8Gooner" was a username some bloke chose for the first Arsenal message board (yes those existed) back in the good old days, such was the power of his influence. I learned the "Ian Wright Wright Wright" song back in the 90's. (There was such a decade.)

The second was Patrick Vieira.

I won't draw this out. I just want to say that while I certainly appreciate the contributions and greatness of Thierry Henry to the success that Arsenal had, it has to be noted that before last season Wenger's Arsenal never won a trophy without Patrick Vieira.

I know that many many people who currently call themselves Arsenal supporters in the USA never saw PV4 play in an Arsenal shirt and thus have no real connection to him.

I also know that many many people in England who call themselves Arsenal supporters grew quite weary of Vieira's annual dalliance with a "bigger club" and hold both that and his current allegiance to MCFC against him.

To me, Vieira was the engine that drove the team forward, and even during Tony Adams' final years it was PV4 who was the real leader.

He had an amazing ability to break up an opposition attack and start Arsenal moving the opposite direction. He could control a match from deep in his own half. He was combative and sometimes ill-tempered.

But one thing about him--when he was on the pitch, the opposition rarely thought they could get away with anything. He had little tolerance for opposing players kicking his teammates.

All the love for Henry is deserved and I certainly have no small amount of affection for him, but when it comes to trophies at Arsenal, Vieira has to be ranked as the greatest player of the Wenger era and it isn't even really up for debate. PV4 was the most crucial piece to the puzzle.

The only constants in Wenger's "glory years" were Vieira and Bergkamp. The keeper, the back four, the midfield, and the strike force all changed from the 98 double winners to the 2005 FA Cup, but Vieira was always there. He's the one player Wenger has never managed to replace and don't give me that little homesick Catalan boy as your example. Vieira was a towering, intimidating presence.

Best player? Maybe it's someone else. Most important player? The numbers say it was Vieira.

Absolutely nothing

Before the shattering events of the Tet Offensive, United States General William Westmoreland famously stated that the USA had "turned a corner" in Vietnam.

D'oh!!!

It's been an interesting two weeks on planet Arsenal. A whipping at the hands of "the old enemy" in the Potteries followed by the glory of a dead rubber in Turkey and a training ground exercise against Newcastle, and lastly the most benevolent CL draw in years. What to make of it all?

Absolutely nothing.

But first, a public service announcement:

To the Rational Stats Blogger Yank--I think, maybe, you're having a bit of trouble seeing and hearing because of the location of your head. You may want to remove it from Wenger's rectum at some point because I fear you may be suffocated.

According to the establishment bloggers, it's wrong to barrack Wenger ever, because more than a decade ago he ended a run of 3 league titles in seven years. This means he can't be yelled at. This also means that when he is yelled at. we're supposed to remember that "nobody else could have done what he did when the club moved grounds."

NOBODY! DO YE HEAR ME?  NOBODY EVER ANYWHERE COULD HAVE GUIDED ARSENAL TO WHERE THEY FINISHED OVER THE PAST DECADE! 

I certainly never tire of that old saw.  No, it never gets old that these establishment bloggers have a magical window into every possible scenario where another manager is in charge of Arsenal and fails to finish fourth. I wish I had one of those, I'd use it for betting on horses instead of telling people that Arsene Wenger is infallible.

Now back to the actual blog.

Let's recap: In Istanbul. Podolski scored but it's meaningless because the match was meaningless, except for those who use it to say that Wenger is a great manager, but they say that Poldi sucks. So I can't sort it--when we talk about a player that isn't one of Wenger's pets, we must say that the match was meaningless. But when we talk about Wenger, must say it proves he's a masterful leader.

George Orwell loves you, bitches! #doublethink4Life

Then an oddly subdued Newcastle United, led by a strangely complimentary Alain Pardeux, fall at the first hurdle to an Arsenal driven by Olivier Giroud--which again proves that Wenger is a genius and anyone who hooted at him at the train in Stoke is a cunt. Right? That's what I've heard, anyway.

I was surprised by the Newcastle match, except that I wasn't. The establishment bloggers will tell you that it means something, that it's significant, that this is Wenger at his best, that all is well, and that you should remain calm and drink this fruit-flavoured red drink they're handing you.

They'll tell you that Giroud is amazing, they'll tell you to ignore the points haul and the results against teams like Leicester and Stoke and Spuds and Swansea. I have a bit of a problem with that.

If there's one thing you can discern from the last three Arsenal matches, it's that you can't discern anything. It is meaningless. When Arsenal went 3-0 up against the Magpies, I said "I bet Newcastle score now." And of course they did. It wasn't a moment of individual brilliance or tactical awareness, it was sloppy defending and a schoolboy error that gave them their toehold back in the match.

Am I being churlish? It depends on how you view things, I suppose. If you think Wenger is perfect and above reproach, you probably think I am. If you write 2000 words telling supporters why he should never, ever, ever be criticised, then I'm sure you think I am. 

The truth is that under Wenger, every match is a coin flip. They can drop 2 points to the worst team in the league or deliver a stylish beatdown to the team that saved the Invincibles. They can be humiliated by a side that lost at home to Burnley, or "bravely" draw with the MCFC billionaires.

So attempting to infer anything, or use any result as a reason to say that Arsenal have "turned a corner," is meaningless. And that is exactly why I'm over Wenger as the gaffer. A decent manager would have this side fighting each and every week for every possible point. Arsenal don't do that. So Arsenal don't have a decent manager anymore.

Fucking Leicester City, people!!!!

As for the Champions League draw, we are collectively somewhat relieved that it wasn't...insert name of better team managed by a competent manager here, convinced that this too has meaning.

Think about that for a moment--our manager is so shit that we actively hoped we wouldn't face a "better" club. But when you're dominated by Stoke and humbled by Leicester and Hull, what exactly is a better club? Anderlicht? I mean it. Why exactly were you hopeful that it was Monaco?

Because you have been conditioned to believe that Arsenal don't stand a chance against "big" clubs. You suffer from the doublethink--Arsenal are a big club that can sign players like Ozil and Sanchez, but Arsenal need to hide from Bayern and Madrid.

Proud of yourselves?

You fear that no matter which of the powerhouse clubs Arsenal may have faced, they would have been destroyed in the first leg because of the manager's inability to set the team out in a manner that would give them a chance to win.

You fear that. Imagine how the players feel!

So who knows how the tie with the principality will go? Nobody. Not you, not myself, and not the establishment bloggers with their magic windows. If Arsenal can stick 4 past the side that vanquished Chelsea, they can just as easily play like shit against Swansea or Hull or Leicester.

That's why this week means absolutely nothing. Come on you Gunners.

Train booing

When I first started writing about Arsenal, the club and the manager were only a few years removed from an unbeaten season followed by an FA Cup. Despite my frustrations with players like Denilson and Adebayor, and despite my reservations about Wenger's transfer policy, and despite the impact of the move to the Grove, I was largely positive. 

I actually enjoyed writing about Arsenal. There was the fair share of heartbreak and of course there was the horrible 2008-2009 team along the way, but my feelings were largely positive. Sadly, those days are gone.

I used to get so upset when Arsenal lost that I wouldn't want to watch anything else related to sport for days. I'd be a bit melancholic and say "meh" to everything else. 

Now it's the opposite. Arsenal lose and I say "meh" and go on to everything else in sport. I can't even understand the people who took the time to go hoot at Wenger as he got on the train. Every time you do that, he'll just deepen his resolve to buy some injured bloke you've never heard of in January just to piss you off more.

Thank you, Arsene and Stan. You've killed my spirit. You've removed my passion for Arsenal. I no longer am upset when Arsenal lose. Lose? Whatever. Ok then. 

And not just lose, but lose in a disappointing, dispiriting fashion. Capitulate. Play poorly. Make stupid, senseless errors that ought to have been eliminated years ago. 

And not just play poor, stupid football, but also fail to employ tactics that could at least give the side a chance in difficult matches. 

And not just play poor, stupid football and fail to employ the proper tactics, but completely ignore the team's pressing needs during multiple transfer windows. 

Yeah, that stuff doesn't bother me anymore. It really doesn't. I just shrug my shoulders and walk away. 

I shrug my shoulders at the following, too.

So far this season, the following managers have taken league points off Arsene Wenger:

Roberto Martinez

Nigel Pearson
Manuel Pellegrini

Mauricio Pochettino

Jose Mourinho

Steve Bruce

Garry Monk

Louis van Gaal
Mark Hughes

Nigel Pearson, whose team sit bottom of the league and have managed only 10 points from 15 fixtures, took a point off Arsene Wenger. Garry Monk, who has been managing for less than a year, took the full 3 off Wenger. Steve Bruce, whose side have managed 13 points all season, took a point off Arsene Wenger at Ashburton Grove. Mark Hughes, who lost to relegation fodder Burnley AT HOME, took the full 3 points off Arsene Wenger. 

Now, I ask you, when you read the preceding paragraph, how do you feel? 

Do you blame the gods? Do you blame the referees? Do you blame yourself? 

You may, and by all means, go ahead and do so. I know the famous Irish blogger always says "we" when he could easily say "Arsene Fucking Wenger" but then again, he's paid by the club so I suppose he has no choice. I don't say "we" didn't buy the right players, nor do I say "we" set the team out with fuck all tactics. 

Arsenal are no longer the football club I began following in 1996. Arsenal are now an Arsene Wenger vanity project. That project, by the way, is failing. 

I never thought I'd see the club I love held hostage to the ego and intransigence of one person, and that situation made possible by one other person. You don't need a doctorate in business to know how Silent Stan Cranky operates. He could give two severed rat testicles about Arsenal winning a trophy, but that might take away from his son's millions he's being paid for "consulting services."

Maybe those services involve elaborate powerpoint presentations on "how to sell players and not replace them," or "the tactical genius of the high defensive line." I don't really know. But based on the results, i.e. losing to Garry Monk and drawing with Leicester City's Nigel Pearson, I'd say FUCK YOU STAN CRANKY AND FUCK YOUR SON AND FUCK YOUR CONSULTING SERVICES UP THE FUCKING ARSEHOLE. 

But hey, that's just me. I could be wrong.

The point is, I just don't give a toss about Arsenal anymore. Lost to Stoke by surrendering three goals? Oh well. That's that. Drawn with the absolute worst team in the league? Meh. Ok. So what? 

Thanks, Arsene and Stan. You've killed my joy for this club. Maybe the two of you can go build a Walmart shopping centre somewhere when this is all over, you fucking cunts.

He did it his way

What do I take away from a rare Arsenal victory?

That BvB are worse than Anderlicht, Hull, Leicester, Swansea, MUFC, Tottnumb, and Man City, I suppose.

That one goal from an offside position after 19 games for Arsenal "justifies" Wenger's faith in (Wake me up!) Yaya Sanogo, I guess.

That every stupid stubborn thing that Wenger has done so far is suddenly forgotten and forgiven and this "proves he knew what he was doing all along," or so I have read from the establishment bloggers.

When Arsenal have been playing such shit embarrassing football for months I think this crumb that fell from Europe's table ought to be taken in context. And let me tell you, I celebrated yesterday and enjoyed the goals and I particularly enjoyed Damien Emiliano Viviano Martinez's performance. Let's hope it's an omen. (Sorrynotsorry)

Watching a rather pedestrian Dortmund playing in a match that their gaffer called a "holiday" as his club currently sit 3 places off the bottom of the table, I couldn't help but wonder where this version of Arsenal has been most of the season.

There was little of the incessant sideways passing across the 18 yard box yesterday. Arsenal scored a lightning fast counterattacking goal. And there was very little "let's push our defensive line up to our opponent's goalmouth." It actually seemed as though some thought had been given to defending and holding a lead! Help me up!

But I hope that everyone who was rightly critical of Maryanne Felatio's offside position Saturday will turn right around and dismiss Bambi on rollerskates' goal yesterday. He was offside.  But the linesman chose to see it differently and suddenly Wenger is justified in selecting him, so all is well.

Have we finally gotten to the point again where ugly results and a miserable start to the season have FORCED Wenger to (gasp!) change the team's approach?  Shocking and hard to believe, I know. Because Wenger has demonstrated time and again that he won't change until the wolves are not even at the door but have come in, raided the fridge, and are watching "Wolvesy Manor" on the BBC.

If you ask Wenger if he changed his pants he'd probably say "I can promise you these pants will come good, why change them?" That's just the kind of fellow he is.

The run in at the end of the 2013 season was supposed to signal a new, pragmatic Wenger. Oh well. The FA Cup final victory was supposed to usher in a new era of prosperity. Oh well.

Instead we have been treated to a steady diet of the high defensive line, devil-may-care defending, and a general inability to retain the ball when needed. It's all so predictable. And one victory over a club that knew it already has (for the most part) won its champions league group proves nothing if not built upon.

This is what Wenger keeps doing. Something ridiculous and horrible will happen, then he'll make some sort of change, then everyone will predict that this really signifies something, then he'll revert to type as a giant "fuck you" to anyone who is critical of him. Tell me it isn't true.

What SHOULD happen is that Arsenal should spend from now until January (when we all know that of course Wenger and his buddy Silent Stan will splash millions to shore up the defence) playing a different style of football. The reason is that if you go by league points, what Wenger has done so far has simply and spectacularly failed. This is as horrible as the 11 from 33 run last season that killed the chance at a title.

But Mr. Wenger will not do that, I predict. I think he will revert to type, Arsenal will be found out, and nothing will change.

Arsene, I'm begging you, please prove me wrong!

But for one crocked frog...

This is not the "Isn't life wonderful at Arsenal!!!!" blog.

It is not the "Arsene Wenger has turned things around this time!" blog.

It is not the "This result means that we don't need more defenders or a defensive mid and Wenger knows and everything is fine!" blog.

If you choose to read something called "The Existential Arsenalist," you should probably NOT expect to hear how suddenly the dead body of Ethel Merman has been dug up and is running around Ashburton Grove bleating "Everything's coming up roses!!!!!"

Do you know why I think that "Force 10 from Navarone" is a perfect film?  It's because after the climax of the action, when the glorious band of misfits manages to destroy a dam that destroys a bridge that saves the Yugoslavs from the Germans, Robert Shaw does what is NEVER done in this type of film: He points out to his cohorts just why that, although they have accomplished this mission, they are faced with massive challenges.

So here I am, as Robert Shaw's Mallory, to tell you 3 reasons why we cannot start awarding ourselves our Victoria Crosses and our Medals of Honour simply because we beat that bloody team that we couldn't 14 years ago.

1) This club is managed by the same manager who chose to play Sanchez 90 minutes in a meaningless Milk Cup match, then refused to start him in the North London Derby while also starting the club's record signing out of position after watching him play the key role in a destruction of Aston Villa.

2) There is nothing about this match that has anything to do with the upcoming bloodletting that Arsenal face against the chavs--but it probably will tell Wenger that he should come out with a gung-ho style that will result in a 9-0 thrashing that Mourinho will use to come up with some new voyeur/specialist in failure crack.

If I know Wenger, he will have Per and Kos playing so high up the pitch that they're actually advanced beyond Flamini and the fullbacks at the opposing end line.  I'm sure Twatbag Homesick Boy won't score a hat trick against his old club.

3) Who here thinks that Danny Welbeck would be at Arsenal but for one crocked frog?

Those of you who love to rewrite history and tell us how perfect Wenger is and how he's never made a mistake can put down your hands, now. You simply look silly.

If you weren't paying attention, Giroud got a contract extension this week. It was one of those "What the bleep are you thinking, Wenger?" moments that seem to come every week now.

Giroud is 28, has a broken ankle, and is a big plodding donkey man that has clogged up the arteries of the Arsenal attack for two years while people on the club's PR payroll have spun tales of how fantastic he is.  He has taken 3 seasons to score 28 league goals before his injury.

Giroud has nothing to do with this team--I mean, "this" team. I mean the team that ran all over Villa and those mad flare-tossing Turks, nor the team that came out flaccid against THFC or Leicester.

Why would Giroud get a contract extension to keep him at the club until 2018 when Arsenal apparently don't even have enough funds to sign a reserve defender? 

Before Danny Welbeck arrived, all I heard from those who defend Wenger at all costs was that Arsenal simply couldn't play without Giroud. Giroud, they said, was the key to all things. Giroud made every play possible, there was no Arsenal attack without his "hold up play" and his "clever flicks and kicks."

Funny, I didn't see any of that yesterday, and yet Arsenal managed to stick 4 past Galatasaray.

Can you imagine what Arsenal's attack would have looked like yesterday without Danny Welbeck's "all action" style? 

Let's try this one--can you imagine what Sanogo (who was starting matches for Arsenal a few weeks ago, have you forgotten that?) might have done with the chances that Welbeck was presented?

Then remind yourself again--were it not for one crocked frog, Welbeck wouldn't even be at Arsenal. That would have been Giroud doing his go to the spot and stand there play, or maybe Sanogo doing that....whatever it is he does other than scoring goals.

So before you're convinced that this is the turning point, and that Wenger has it sorted, and that Chelsea won't find a team set up to play the world's highest defensive line, remember these things.

And then please also remember that Giroud is at Arsenal for four more years. "Zat Guy!"

How much longer?

"Today, Mesut, you will start on zee left."

And thus began yet another draw.

A draw at home, against a side that the most famous Arsenal-sponsored blogger on the planet Earth called "a bag of festering shit." I'm not sure that saying that was necessary.

Mostly because the Bag of Festering Shit Society of the United Kingdom has now lodged a complaint for libel, slander, and "defecation of character." (See what I did there?)

What can one really say about that hideous and predictable disaster that was the North London Derby's latest renewal?

"Hey Arsene, you really didn't cover yourself in glory today!"

"Hey Arsene, you know fuck all about how to deploy the two most expensive players in the club's history!"

"Hey Stan, you miserly old cunt who thinks of the club as nothing more than a 'property' and a 'brand,' why don't you go have sex with the world's angriest bull elephant? You know, like a bull elephant who just broke up with his long time girlfriend and is really looking to just shove his elephant penis up the hole of some penny-penching old fuckwit who would rather steal 3 million quid from Arsenal than buy TWO FUCKING PLAYERS WHO MAY HAVE PREVENTED THIS SHIT STORM? STAN I HOPE THIS ELEPHANT RIPS YOUR BUTTOCKS COMPLETELY OFF YOUR BODY BY FUCKING YOU SO HARD UP YOUR ASSHOLE THAT, ALTHOUGH YOU WILL SOON DIE, YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE HELL OF BEING A MISERABLE OLD SHIT STAIN THAT GOES AROUND SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF SPORT CLUBS!"

You really could say all those things, you know.  I like all three of them. No, actually I don't like any of them. I hate that I wrote them.

Most of all I hate that Arsenal are "undefeated" and yet sit 6 points behind Chelsea and have scored 8 fewer goals. Six points behind after six matches.

Well done, Stan and Arsene. Fucking brilliant work. You've revolutionised the destruction of a football club. People once got very angry at this type of thing, but thanks to the both of you, Arsenal supporters are just bereft of energy and the will to say or do anything.

We have the invisible money-grubbing "owner" who demands a ticket price rise and then pays his fucking gravy-train worthless little offspring that sum at the same time that the club don't do shit to win a title.

We have the intractable, inscrutable bullshit master Arsene Wenger who is trading on a legacy that is now covered in mold and moss and who hasn't done anything since 2004 to win the league.

Oh and here is where Mister Blowhard Insufferable Yank Stats Man Rational Blogger shows up and writes love letters to Wenger and tells me I don't know what it was like to move to the Grove and he has the statistics to prove that the reason why Wenger can't fucking get his tactics straight is because of the stadium debt.

Well you know what, I'm fucking sick of your incessant bleatings at the feet of the club. Take their fucking paycheques and sod the fuck right off with your kid out to the woods. I don't FUCKING CARE ANYMORE.

Someone please tell me what the fucking "tactics" were from yesterday's match? Please do elucidate. I've been watching football since the 1986 World Cup and whilst I haven't watched as much as the Famous Irish Blogger Who Is In The Club's Pocket, I can tell you I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK WENGER WAS UP TO.

I'm going to make this bit short and bitter.

High defensive line? FUCK THIS SHIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT FUCK THE HIGH DEFENSIVE LINE YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS HORRENDOUS PATHETIC "TACTIC" IT'S FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Not starting Sanchez, and starting Ozil on the left? YOU ARE FUCKING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND FUCKING FUCK OFF WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF HAVING THESE TOP PLAYERS IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO YOUR TRADITIONAL "I'M GOING TO PLAY ZEM WHERE I PLEASE AND ZEY HAVE NO REASON TO DISLIKE WHAT I DO AND CERTAINLY YOU PEASANTS THAT THINK YOU MATTER HAVE NO REASON TO EVER QUESTION ME AND WILL i EVER WIN ANOTHER TITLE? SPIRIT, QUALITY, DETERMINATION, A LITTLE BIT SHARPNESS, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."  Fuck off, mate. You won 3 league titles before most people who are following the club now even knew it. Who gives A RAT'S ROTTEN TIT ABOUT WHAT YOU DID IN 1998, DO I CARE THAT KEVIN BLOODY KEEGAN ALMOST WON THE LEAGUE ONCE? FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Done.

Lastly, the Famous Irish Blogger Who Jokes A Lot To Distract People From Arsene Wenger's Utter Shit Management said that Danny Welbeck had "a quiet game overall."

You really expect me to fucking believe that? What fucking match were you watching, "mate?" Must have been the same one that cunt ref was watching, because you don't seem to know fucking shit about what just happened.

Danny Welbeck is a fucking warrior. Danny Welbeck got in Kaboul's face and told him "I knocked you down because you grabbed my arm" and then fucking said "Hey, HEY! YOU GRABBED MY ARM!"

Danny Welbeck was trained by the biggest fucking cunt in English football, and he takes no fucking shit off anyone, and he is the only fucking forward player at the club who fights, runs, and works his fucking arse off for the fucking shirt.

I wish the myopic old manager who thought that Olivier "The Gallic Howler" Giroud was the solution would have demanded Welbeck as part of the RVP deal. He would have saved us from two years of a lumbering lug who is more concerned about fucking some bird in a hotel than RUNNING TO THE FUCKING PENALTY SPOT WHEN IT'S TIME TO TROUBLE THE OPPOSING DEFENCE.

How could ANY sane person look at the shift that Welbeck put in yesterday and call it anything other than brave, heroic, and committed to the cause? Get a fucking life you shit sucking bloggers who are in the pocket of the club. I don't fucking care what you say anymore.

Watch this match again and watch how many times Welbeck ran, ran, ran, ran to either make himself a target or cover for the precious molly-coddled teammates who treated the first half of a fucking derby match as a training exercise.

The boy is a fucking legend already and if you don't start treating him with the respect he deserves, he'll leave like every other decent player this club has had since Wenger's bullshit fucking "project" started.

Alan Sunderland was in the stands yesterday. Make the fucking connection, you cunts. Even Smudger would be hard pressed to displace a player like Welbeck and Danny is only 23 years old.

It was Welbeck who ran to the penalty spot and distracted the defence when Ox scored the equaliser.  So piss the fuck off, "mates."

Leftovers? Fuck you Wenger for not starting Sanchez. What the fuck? Go away.

Fuck you Wenger for employing such predictable tactics that once again the squad surrendered a cheap, predictable goal.

Fuck you Wenger for, one fucking week after the masterclass against Villa when I said "more like this," starting with Ozil on the left. I know why you're doing this. You're doing it because your massive self-serving ego heard Jose Mourinho say that Ozil is the best number 10 in the world and you want to prove that you know more about football than he does even though it may cost Arsenal your fucking precious 4th place trophy.

You miserable old man. What is the fucking point of your stubborn ways anymore?

Even Stan the Miserly Cunt can't take all the blame for what you did yesterday.

How much longer do supporters have to watch this shit?

(Drops mic. Walks off.)

Silent Stan and the "protection of mediocrity"

Why in the name of the Buddha would a man who is allegedly worth a few billion quid steal 3 million more from the Arsenal football club?

THAT is the question.

There's so much here that it's a bit difficult to fathom without going all Swiss Ramble on you. Silent Stan conspired to take almost five million US dollars out of Arsenal at the moment that the club can't even purchase an inanimate carbon rod to back up the defence.

Why?

Let me assure you, all I can think of is greed.

This isn't some black scarf/bin bag rant. I'm simply telling you that if you observe the man's behaviour in relation to his sporting endeavours, he couldn't possibly give a toss about championships.

Ah, you say, what is the purpose of a billionaire owning a football club if the "brand" (christ I hate that term) is devalued by his efforts? Football in England isn't like professional gridiron in the USA--winning creates value.

What are the most valuable "brands" (seriously, kill me) in world football? It sure isn't the team that consistently comes in fourth place and averages 1.75 goals/match. No, they're clubs that win titles.

We've been patting ourselves on the back about Arsenal's "renewed strength" in sponsorships, but then we pretend we don't see that the club who finished seventh in the league last season has millions and millions more to spend because companies want to be associated with them.

Puma and Emirates? That's nice. Try Nike and Chevrolet.  And as for the other world giants, Arsenal don't come close to Real Madrid, Barca, or Bayern. We're lucky that we have a tangible history, unlike Chelsea and Manchester City, so that we can "exist" without their petrol fueled cash.

Take a look at Silent Stan's holdings--he's simply a business man who makes money. He isn't at all concerned with trophies or glory. My guess is, as an astute person who married for money and is simply in the business of making more of it, he looked at the next "growth industry" in sport and selected the most valuable "property" in England into which he could buy.

Lucky us.

He literally married the Walmart lady so that he could develop land around their stores. What a fucking romantic.

Arsenal represented "property" for Stan--both the real estate kind and the entity. And what's more, he got a rabid, loyal group of supporters to whom he could pass along 3% rises in ticket costs and then essentially pay his bloody offspring the difference.

Stealing from the club and not giving a toss about winning the league is one matter.  "The protection of mediocrity" is the other.

Let me tell you that as a Yank I have a bit of perspective on Stan's ownership of the St. Louis Rams NFL team. This is a club that since Stan bought into them has won exactly one championship and has for the most part bumbled along.

He's a real estate agent. Thanks, Lady Nina!

The result of Stan's operation of Arsenal is that he supports what Arsene Wenger calls "protection of mediocrity." An owner who doesn't care one whit about winning trophies ensures that Wenger will stay on board forever.

This is where we are now. Silent Stan, it's all thanks to you.

No fault in our stars

Everyone has an opinion on what was most significant about Arsenal's 3-0 dismissal of Aston Villa. The first league clean sheet of the season? Yeah, I'd go with that.

Aside from Callow Chambers (sorry) near dismissal, the back 4 plus Szcz hardly put a foot wrong in what could've been a dangerous contest. Remember how Villa beat Liverpool (which is starting look less impressive by the day)? An early "smash and grab" counterattacking goal from Gabby Agbonlahor followed by 82 minutes of seat-of-their-trousers defending took the Villains to second in the league.

No such luck yesterday for the claret and blue boys. Arsenal's keeper--the maker of his own bad luck--kept them off the scoresheet early and his defending cohorts stayed a steady course the rest of the way. Gibbs and Chambers played a key role in the Gunners' possession game, whilst Per and Koz did the dull and dirty work of mopping up anything that got past a resurgent midfield.

Considering the cheapness of the goals surrendered this season, and the errors which often caused them, the clean sheet has to be the most important takeaway from this match. I've been very dismayed at the way Arsenal have conceded so far; more concentration and tenacity at the back could've easily garnered the club 4 more points thus far.

Switching off after conceding a free kick or corner has been a serious problem for this team. You can only hope yesterday was a platform off of which more success can be built.

Ah, you see, I have chosen the dull side of football for which to praise my Arsenal. That's the exact opposite of what most supporters would see and most likely what Arsene Wnger values the least, if you judge him by his transfer spending.

Defending is not something that is done by 4 players at the back and a keeper--it's a collective effort by the entire XI. And despite the attempts to falsify the contribution of Olivier Giroud by the Wenger-lovers, yesterday was clear evidence of what the long-term contribution of Danny Welbeck can be.

Giroud was often lauded for his "ability to clear crosses" or some such thing. Yeah, whatever, me neither. His work rate was often such that one was tempted to see if the famous inanimate carbon rod couldn't do a bit more in his place.

I'm going to just come out and say it right now--Wenger molly-coddled Giroud for two seasons and it was seriously grating on my nerves. Whether it was out of a sense of Gallic solidarity or a myopic inability to see him for what he really was, for some reason Wenger stuck with Giroud when even Chuba Akpom started to look like the more effective option.

In two seasons, Giroud probably ran less than Welbeck did yesterday. I can see SAF's dirty fingerprints all over him. He knows no other way to play than 100% effort. Giroud looks like a Peruvian cart mule compared to Welbeck.

Ferguson would never have tolerated the Frenchman's lackadaisical (Laconic? Languid? Some other L word?) style, more than likely switching on the hair dryer after one game and then shipping him back to the French 2nd division after two. Welbeck still plays like he can hear a drunken old Scot screaming in his ear.

Giroud's classic move--to amble to the top of the "D" and then stop--grew to be so frustrating that I would simply scream "What are you stopping for?" at the telly and then it was a race to see whether he or I would end up howling first.

So I have to say, not being forced to watch him at the present time makes Arsenal matches just that little bit more pleasant. Oh, and not having to listen to the pro-Wenger spin merchants tell me about Giroud's so-called greatness (or Sanogo's, for that matter) is also a relief. It certainly must clear their consciences not to have to lie for a few farthings from the club.

Welbeck's efforts yesterday pleased me to no end. Whether he was dropping back to receive the ball whilst his teammates ran forward, forcing himself between defenders in front of goal, or constantly harassing the Villa defence, he was in constant motion.

The goal was simple--what you'd expect of a centre-forward, really. It was the product of working hard enough to put himself in the place where a talented midfielder could get him the ball. He didn't lope to the outer edge of the 18 yard box and stop like a United Nations observer. He went for it and he was rewarded.

The assist, however, was not common. It wasn't even what I'd expect from Welbeck. It combined vision, timing, and ability. What a beauty. Again, you can see the way he was raised in football. If he had missed that pass back at United, SAF would've blasted him with a profane outburst, not a pat on the back and a polite defence in the post-match presser. Iron fist, etc.

One other thing that's now apparent is that if Ozil and Cazorla are to coexist, it means the wee Spaniard is going to have to play on the left. Oz looked like a man reborn yesterday. Shame on him for not playing like that before, but if playing him in the 10 spot is what it takes to unleash that talent, then by all means do it.

As for Santi, it's a shame as he's such a delightful playmaker and creative presence in the middle, but let's be fair, he's no bug-eyed Germanic wizard. His efforts on the left yesterday were crucial and of the two options, it's clear that the only way to get him involved is to play him there and let Ozil do his thing through the middle.

I fairly well destroyed my living room when I saw Ozil run into the clear for Welbeck's pass. That was the 2010 version of a player who has looked a bit bereft recently. His first touch was sublime, and the finish was so simple that I felt bad for my compatriot in the Villa net.

All I really want to say about this match is "More, please." More switched on defence, more Welbeck, more Ozil in the fashion we saw them. More energy, more intelligence, more effort, more simple finishing, more breaking from deep (as opposed to sideways passing around the box).

More like that. Just keep doing it. We'll all be happier if they do.

Switch to southpaw

The sequel is almost always worse than the first. That's some kind of rule that is only really proved by its exceptions: The Godfather Part 2, Rocky II, The Empire Strikes Back, Gremlins 2, Superman 2, The Wrath of Khan...

Each has its iconic moment--Michael kisses Fredo, Darth dares Luke to join him, Brain Gremlin referencing Susan Sontag, Zod telling Superman to kneel, and hell, Kirk screaming "KHAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!"

Today's story, however, is about that moment in Rocky II when Mickey demands that his big dopey stubborn fighter switch back to "southpaw," and how Rocky sits there and says "No tricks, I ain't switchin'!" 

Strategy, it seems, is always a tricky thing.

Mickey decided that Rocky's left-handed fighting style had become too predictable, and too easy to counter. He was a one-pace, one-tactic fighter and Apollo Creed could easily handle him.  A change was required.

Mickey went so far as to tie Rocky's right hand to his side in order to force him to learn to jab with his left. Suddenly, a left-handed fighter who had come so far in that style was now a right-hander, so much so that even the Italian Stallion himself couldn't bear to switch back to his natural style, deriding that as a "trick."

You see where I'm going with this.

For 7 years at Arsenal, M. Wenger achieved remarkable success that was founded on a strong defence and Patrick Vieira. I've never made a secret that I believe that PV4 was the greatest and most important player of Wenger's tenure as manager. That, however, is another story for another day.

Since the self-imposed destruction of the invincibles, Wenger shifted from that foundation--in a sense, he switched from fighting southpaw. He has no defence to speak of, and he certainly has no player comparable to Vieira, and he hasn't since 2008-09.

But beyond just personnel, that switch also includes a style of play, most notably in attack. In boxing, as in tennis, going up against a left-hander may be predictable, but it's also awkward. For the first part of Wenger's tenure at Arsenal, the style seemed to be based much more on quick and devastating attacks that capitalised on the movement and pace of players like Pires, Ljungberg, Henry, Bergkamp, and Vieira.

No player in the history of the Premier League started attacks like Vieira did. I don't care who you throw up in argument against that statement, there isn't one. People often compare Vieira and Roy Keane, which is fair enough, but in style they were completely different. Keane didn't break up an opponent's attack and then drive the ball forward in the same manner.

Vieira wasn't so much a defensive midfileder in the Makelele role as he was an engine for an entire side. He was at his most effective when playing alongside Petit or Gilberto Silva, players who could do the dirty work and impose themselves physically whilst PV4 launched another assault.

This is not to discount his tackling ability or how he could break up play because he was excellent at that, but for those who have come to know Arsenal since his departure, he shouldn't be classified as a "defensive mid."  He was a unique player in that he could defend and then easily start a counter attack from deep that could result in a shot on goal.

But Vieira represented the style of Arsenal back then--first it was the Graham hangover defenders behind him, then Wenger replaced them with 4 new players (more than 4, really, because he actually invested in defenders up until 2005), but no matter if it were Spunky and Tone or Jens and Big Sol, there was a solid structure back there that was fronted by strong mobile central midfielders.

That has to be classified as Wenger's southpaw phase.

But now? Wenger switched to fighting right-handed, with diminutive midfielders--most often five at a time--and a single "target man" up front. This is a style that is compounded by a very narrow attack through the middle, fullbacks who are most often almost standing on the opposition's end line, and centre halves who are positioned so high up the pitch that they are at or beyond the halfway line.

Since the end of the 2012-2013 season, when fate more or less forced him to finally adapt, Wenger sets out his teams to play the same way every minute of every match. Last season this cost Arsenal quite a few points that they surrendered from winning positions. Aston Villa, Swansea, Southamption, Everton--this represents 8 points that could have won Arsenal the league if Wenger had been willing to mix it up a bit.

I can't understand why, with trainer Mickey yelling in his face "Switch back to southpaw," Wenger persists with the same formation and tactics from minute 1 to minute 90+. It's fairly clear that everyone has this sussed. Care to mix it up, Arsene?

"No tricks, I ain't switchin'!"

It's a shame. This sequel (Arsene Knows Part 3) is looking much more like "The Matrix: Convoluted" than any of the ones I listed above. Welcome to Jaws 3D, without the camp Michael Caine to liven things up.

Broken

Not much to say about a performance as abject as Arsenal put in yesterday.

The bigger picture is that the club seem to be in trouble. Each match is punctuated by an injury, which is really unfortunate considering there is essentially no youth programme to call upon for reinforcements.

The question of tactics and the use of the squad ought to be called into question, along with the "inspiration and motivation" that a manager is supposed to provide. Does the formation get the most of the players?  Are the players being deployed in positions that best utilise their abilities?

Does the persistence with a high defensive line from the first minute to the last really give Arsenal the best chance to win? Can Arsenal find a way to widen the attack other than using the fullbacks to essentially abandon their defensive duties?  Is it wise to leave only 3 players to defend counterattacks, especially when two of them are Per Mertesacker and one of Arteta or Flamini?

In some ways, yesterday felt like the culmination of years of poor transfer window policy and misguided tactics, yet in some ways it simply felt like Groundhog Day. Nothing has really changed.

Arsenal have played 4 league matches and three Champions League matches. In seven competitive matches they've scored eight goals and conceded eight. They have no real identity at this point, based on those numbers.

They are neither an exciting, attacking force, nor are they a lock-down defensive machine capable of grinding out results. To be fair, they resemble a mid-table side. A bit boring on both ends of the pitch, neither all sheets to the wind in attack nor biting and bitter in defence.

After the FA Cup final I wrote that I didn't want Wenger to return as manager. I listed three areas--transfer policy, in-game tactics, and inspiration/preparation--where I thought he had failed. Of course that was the primary reason I didn't want him back--I didn't think Arsenal could win the league with him in charge.

My loyalty is to the club and has been since I started following Arsenal, back before I even knew who Wenger was. So my first thought was, it's best for the club if he goes. But at the same time I do appreciate what he did and has done for Arsenal and I didn't want it to come to this.

I didn't want it to come to the point where people are shouting and angry and wishing he'd be fired. What if he had simply left after winning the FA Cup?  A true feel good moment to cap off a legendary career would have been the best way to exit. Many people who had grown weary of him could have forgiven his faults and saluted him.

Instead, now, I'm afraid it can only end one way.  Arsenal are broken right now, and the blame for that can only be placed with Wenger. When even the Irish blogger names him and says it's Wenger's responsibility, you know the situation is dire.

Were this not Arsenal, and there were no such thing as "the Arsenal way," and this hadn't been going on for years, Wenger might well be given his P45 before this crucial stretch of league matches. But this is Arsenal, and that won't happen. Sadly, I'm afraid it won't happen until after this season, which will be a season that will end in disappointment and failure for the club.

At that point, Wenger will probably leave in disgrace when it could've all ended in glory last spring. Shameful, that, for everyone involved.

Europe for Europe's sake

In 2000 I was working for a multi-national company based in Atlanta, Georgia and was lucky enough to have a boss who had lived in England for a while and understood and tolerated my love of Arsenal.

At the time, there was basically one football pub in the entire city that would show live matches--which back then meant paying a hefty satellite subscription price as no USA-based TV networks/sports channels were showing football on a regular basis.  This place, the Brewhouse Cafe in Little 5 Points, was run by an ex-pat Aussie who understood the value of cultivating a loyal client base of football fans.

The 2000 Uefa Cup final was the first Arsenal match I was able to watch live. My boss excused me from the afternoon's work and when I got to the pub there were equal numbers of Turks and Englishmen there, the owner with the good sense to divide the place in half and sent opposing fans to opposite sides.

This was, of course, weeks after two Leeds supporters had been stabbed to death in Istanbul and to say that tensions were running high in the place would be a ridiculous understatement. I sat at the bar and watched the match with a couple of other Yanks who didn't seem to have an allegiance to one side or the other. Having gone straight from work, I wasn't wearing anything to identify me as an Arsenal supporter, so I suppose that's why I wasn't instructed to join them.

My excitement at finally getting to watch my team play live quickly devolved into gut-wrenching tension and ultimately heartbreak. Arsenal simply couldn't score or make anything of any chances, and then in extra time Galatasaray went down to 10 men and the Gunners still couldn't find a way through. Henry and Kanu couldn't beat their keeper, and then came the failure in the penalty shootout.

My mind was fairly reeling at the prospect of being an Arsenal supporter amongst others when the Turks began jumping on the tables and chanting and the English ex-pats trudged out muttering curses under their breath. "So this is Europe," I thought.

Arsenal used to go into these competitions with a legitimate chance to win--and I say "used to" meaning since I began following the club in 1996 and Wenger arrived. The loss to Valencia in the Champions League in 2001 ranks as one of the most painful in my time as an Arsenal supporter, because in all the years that Wenger has been qualifying for the competition, that was the one that seemed set up for the Gunners to go all the way.

Of course the inability to score in the second leg of the quarter final and a late John Carew header meant that Arsenal wouldn't get to face Leeds in the semis or a very average Bayern in the final. Valencia weren't that good, and misfiring Arsenal couldn't capitalise.

A few more years and a few more trips into the latter stages followed, including the miraculous journey to the final in 2006 and the embarrassing semi-final capitulation to MUFC in 2009 (that preceded the infamous Nikky Bendtner "pants out!" night).  Since then, however, the norm has been to simply qualify for the competition, hope for the best, and go out in the round of 16.

I've wondered if Arsenal supporters look at the Champions League the way that most of the clubs in the Premier League look at winning that title--we're here to make up numbers, and being in the top flight is certainly preferable to anything else, but we entertain no illusions about winning the whole thing.

This is one of the reasons I don't really give a toss about Europe any more, other than being able to lord it over THFC that we're there and they're not. Could anyone in his right mind expect Arsenal to win the Champions League this year? Wenger didn't even buy enough defenders to compete domestically, much less slog all the way to winning the big cup.

Qualifying for the Champions League has become an end unto itself, just like "Premier League survival" has for clubs like Stoke City. They know they're not going to hoist the trophy at the end, just as Arsenal supporters surely can't believe that they'll see Arteta lift the big silver cup next spring.

Knowing this, is it possible to even get excited about playing in Europe anymore?  What is the measurement of success for Arsenal?  Has it too been lowered to simply finishing second in the group and losing to a "big club" in the first knockout round?

As finishing fourth in the league has been elevated to trophy status because of nothing more than revenue, getting out of the group stage has been elevated to a trophy for the same reason. As a supporter, am I supposed to cheer fiscal results over match scores?

Europe is a fleeting dream for a club with only 5 fit experienced defenders. Can you write an entire column or blog post about that, and where the club are right now, without saying the name "Arsene Wenger?" The Irish blogger has. What a shame that this is what has happened to our hopes and aspirations for Arsenal.

So here's to another season in Europe's top flight. Pat yourselves on the back, Arsenal. You're now the Stoke City of the continent.

It just isn't funny anymore

The 2008-09 edition of the Arsenal Football Club managed a 21-match unbeaten run. Do you remember those heady times?

That team was utter garbage on a hot plate. They matched both MUFC and Chelsea with 68 goals scored (Liverpool led the league with 77 goals, had a goal differential of 50, and still finished second) but conceded 37, 13 more than the champions.

I don't know what the excuses being made for that team were, or how their 4th place finish was spun into gold. I've spent much of the last 6 years trying to forget those players.

What has always stuck with me, however, is how that team managed to go 21 games unbeaten. From matchday 15 to matchday 35, Arsenal didn't lose. And in all that time, Arsenal managed to climb all the way from 5th to 4th. Astonishing, ain't it?

At one point in that run, there were four dour 0-0 draws in a row.

Was the spin "Hey, you know how tough it is to beat West Ham at the Grove!" or "You know how tough Sunderland are at the Grove!" or something else?  I've no idea. Back then there were no club-sponsored bloggers pumping hot air into the multiverse trying to hide the fact that Wenger had put together a "Wizard of Oz" squad--No brains, no courage, no heart.

So far this season we've heard "Hey, you know how tough it is to go to Goodison and win, so under the circumstances a draw was a great result!"

This was followed by "Hey, you saw how tough the Foxes played Everton, so to go there and get a point without the extremely vital Olivier Giroud is a great result!"

Now we're hearing "Hey, you know how tough City are, so to hold them to a draw at the Grove is a great result! Oh and Wilshere scored, and so did Sanchez, so it was a great result!"

In the meantime, Wenger is down to 5 defenders. But don't worry, the spin merchants are working their magic, telling you that "It's not a bone break, so that proves that Wenger's transfer policy is fantastic!" Or better yet, the Irish fellow is using the classic "we" and "our" to describe the paucity of options at the back.

How about this for some NO spin--

Two classic Wenger schoolboy errors led to the two City goals. Simple counterattack employed against a nonsensical high defensive line gifted them the first, then the same lapse on a free kick that we saw against such esteemed opposition as Hull City and New York Red Bulls gave them the second.

Once again, points squandered from a winning position, as they were last season time and again against Villa, Southampton, Swansea, Everton...but hey, you know how tough Villa are at the Grove, so...

Why are we supposed to believe that this is any different than any of the seasons since a decade ago when Wenger won his last league title?  Are the mistakes going to magically disappear?  Is the squandering of points going to stop? Will Hayden or Bellerin magically become trusted first team defenders?  Will Gibbs miraculously stay healthy?

For all the Irish man's jokes, for all of Mr. Rational Yank Stats Man's obfuscation through jargon and numbers, there is a problem at Arsenal. The problem starts at the top.

The mistakes and lack of composure haven't suddenly materialised, nor can they all be blamed on Lukas Podolski (or now Mesut Ozil). I wish the bloggers who have been bought by the club, or the Wenger-lovers (as opposed to those who actually love the club more than one person) would shake up the world and place the blame where it belongs for once.

Placing loyalty to Wenger above the club is a mistake. Making jokes about the games or about the fact that Arsene Wenger actually believed Yaya Sanogo is a Premier League quality striker isn't appropriate.

Your jokes aren't funny anymore, nor are your excuses. Wenger has failed once again--this time by not buying adequate defensive cover. If you can come back to me and say that Wenger has put together a squad that can challenge for the title, I won't laugh anymore. I'll simply tell you that your jest isn't funny.

When A**blog met 11amkickoff

SCENE: A lovely home somewhere in Ireland. 

A disheveled man is sitting at a computer, laughing at his writing. 

Irish man: Ha ha, that's fookin brilliant stuff there, I combined a reference to Phil Collins, John Terry, and pus-filled yak testicles!

(loud knock at the door)

What the fook?  Who is buggering at my door at this time of the day?  Go kill them, a**dog!

(A large German Shepherd dog rolls over and goes back to sleep.)

Fookin hellspawn of Sepp Blatter! Fine, I'll go get it myself.

(opens door)

Well, as I live and breathe the gassy emissions of Frank Stapleton, if it isn't my American best friend, 11amkickoff! What brings you to Ireland, you pedantic arsehole?

Yank blogger: Oh, come on A**blog, you know Arsenal pay for all my travel! I just thought it would be a great time for the two of us to get together and discuss the transfer window and how we'll polish this turd into something wonderful. I've brought 3,000 pages of charts and analysis showing how Danny Welbeck delivers more key passes per 90 minutes of deliberate gibberish than Lionel Messi.

Irish man: Well, hmm...I actually drank 9 litres of whiskey last night and haven't had my bacon yet, but I suppose you can come in. And if the club thinks it's important that we get together, then by the low-hanging bollox of Bob Wilson, I'm in! I do everything the club tells me.

Yank blogger: Oh, I know! You and I are so far up the club's rectum that it would take 9,000 pages of statistical analysis to get us out! (pauses for laughter that is not forthcoming)

So A**blog, as you know, we've really got our work cut out for us this time. I'm having a difficult time spinning this transfer window as the greatest ever. I mean, I've been having to write love letters about how "footballistically" Arsene did great things a decade ago just because I can't get enough boring statistics to obfuscate the obvious.  If I can't convince the American Arsenal supporters that Wenger is perfect and that everything that's happening at the club is not his fault, there could be a full on rebellion!

Irish man: Ha ha! Yeah, you've got it rough. All I have to do is replace "Arsene Wenger" with "we" in my blogs that are even slightly critical and nobody even notices. I mean, they think if A**blog says it's all about "us" then people forget that Wenger even manages the club.

But you, with all that tedious "rational" bullshit you claim to produce, you've really got to work hard. Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me, but then again, you Yanks do tend to go overboard.

Yank blogger: Please, this hasn't been easy. The club expects me to keep the positive spin out there, and then I'm supposed to make up charts that show how Nacho is a better defender than Marcel Desailly by using something called "indefinite interceptions via the outer extremities per non-consecutive 30 minute segments."

It's gotten so bad that I've been considering just not blogging at all after the transfer window closes and using my kid as an excuse. Have you seen how I do that? When things are particularly horrible, like when Wenger's teams drop 22 of 33 points, I write about my kid and how we do stuff and how that makes me better than everybody else. I'm a genius.

Irish man: Well, maybe Yanks go for that sentimental manipulative bullshit, but all I have to do is fire up the "random infected animal" generator and people don't even notice that the club is going to shit before their eyes. Let me show you--

(walks to computer, opens up website, clicks on "generate" button)

A ha! See, if Arsenal lose by 5 goals, I just trot out "Scabies-ridden wombat" and people laugh and nobody gives a damn. The club love it when I do that.

Yank blogger: Well, I was thinking, see, the reason the club public relations people wanted us to get together face to face was to come up with a unified strategy. I mean this time it's even bigger than when we all got together and did the smear campaign against Podolski last spring and then he scored 4 goals in 2 matches. This time, it's got to appear that the fact that the club bought no defenders or a defensive midfielder is down to completely random circumstances, and that nobody anywhere is blame.

Irish man: Look, I've already told you my strategy. I'm good on the slating Podolski, I'm good on pretending that Sanogo is a footballer, and I'm good on distracting people from blaming Wenger by both pumping hot air into our opponents and never using Wenger's name unless it's praising him.  And then I make jokes, loads of jokes.

You, on the other hand, you decided that the best way to manipulate your readers was by pretending that you use "rational analysis" to come to the conclusion that Wenger is blameless and that every player at the club is perfect. I gotta tell you, lad--that's a losing cause.

Yank blogger: Tell me about it! I'm dying! The club is already all over me about taking the week after the transfer window closed and going into hiding. I'm the one who is supposed to show that Joel Campbell is the worst player ever in comparison to Sanogo! I'm supposed to produce stats that pretend that Kim Kallstrom actually was the reason Arsenal won the FA Cup last year!  I'm gonna have to adopt another kid or something.

Irish man: Ok, well, then, just follow my lead on this one. I'll keep saying things like "Podolski is terrible" and never mention Giroud and how three weeks ago we were all saying that the club will never win without Giroud in there, then I'll talk up Welbeck as the best striker in Europe (conveniently forgetting Giroud was that just days before), then I'll make excuses for how difficult it is to buy a defender and a defensive midfielder, and I'll only mention Wenger's name when I'm talking about how he has a master plan for everything.

Yank blogger: OK, I'll just support everything you say with some bullshit stats that mean nothing and mix in a few more "tributes" to Wenger right at the moment that he seems to have completely forgotten how to manage. I bet I can even come up with some that say that since February of 2013 this Arsenal defence is better than any in the history of football anywhere.

Irish man: Very good. Now please get the hell out of my house.

Yank blogger: Gladly. Your dog has been making love to my leg for the last ten minutes and you didn't even say anything.

Irish man: I bet you could produce some stats and charts about that, you insufferable nerd.

Us wonned without Giroud? That's unpossible!

(Author's note: I have worked more than 20 years in public relations and communications, and know quite well how organisations use/co-opt/corrupt journalists, bloggers, and all media types. I've worked for two major metropolitan cities and an international trade organisation--all with smaller budgets and lower profiles than a global brand like the Arsenal Football Club. Trust me when I tell you, I'm 100% certain that some bloggers are being used as mouthpieces by the club to influence opinion among the fan base.)

When the book about this Arsenal season is written, perhaps certain truths will finally be told. One of the forgotten ones will be just why Lukas Podolski was held out of the qualifier against Besiktas.

To my knowledge, a player could appear in a qualifier and not count as cup tied, so there could really only be two reasons for sitting a player who has scored 5 goals in only 9 European matches for the club. One, he is still being shopped around and the club have him wrapped in cotton wool; two, the gaffer absolutely can't stand him.

Poldi, as his fans call him, has actually scored 19 league goals in 53 appearances for Arsenal, which is a fair return if you ask me. Olivier Giroud, the darling of the club-connected bloggers, has taken 72 appearances to score 28 goals. I'm no math professor, but if you compare those goal scoring records, and you don't have some hidden agenda, you'd probably say "Hey, that Podolski guy is pretty good."

This is said without considering that Arsenal barely score 2 goals per match anymore.

Since Saturday's draw (it was a draw, remember?) at Everton, the Arsenal universe has spun wildly in all directions. First, it was "See? Giroud is priceless! The team was shit before he came on! Arsenal can't win without him!"

Then it has been "Giroud may be injured. Oh, and Podolski is shit and is on his way out."

Then it was "Giroud is injured, and whilst Podolski is still shit, he's not on his way out today."

Now it's "See? Sanchez really is great and Arsenal can win without Giroud."

Wait, what? I thought Arsenal can't win without Giroud? What the fuck are you saying?

Giroud is massively unpopular with the vast majority of Arsenal supporters. Podolski, on the other hand, is massively popular with Arsenal supporters. Now, if I were a public relations professional (oh, wait, I AM one) and I had a problem like this, my first step would be to "influence the influencers," and make sure that the most widely read and respected bloggers were on my side.

This has been such a divisive issue that the most widely read and influential Yank Arsenal blogger has in the past week written columns on "Is any Arsenal player not divisive?" and "Arsenal don't need a big scoring forward to win the league." He also wrote a love letter to Wenger, praising the man and talking about his glorious history and brilliance in that time. Transparent much?

What these bullshit artists and spin doctors ought to be saying is, "Arsenal won a fucking match without the priceless and perfect Olivier Giroud." But don't worry, you won't see that story from any of them.

Amy Lawrence came close the other day, and probably risked her access to the club, by writing this column that almost comes out and says "Wenger's transfer policy has been an extremely high risk gamble for years now." Amy is a lifelong Arsenal supporter, so I'm sure this was a big step for her.

What's sad about all of this, this spin, this PR smokescreen, is that it is nothing but a mask designed to disguise the things that have threatened the club's worldwide prominence for a decade now. A parsimonious transfer policy combined with a tactical intransigence, plus the unwillingness to embrace the modern world of club football, put Arsenal on the back foot compared to rivals both domestic and foreign.

Things that would erode confidence in the manager have been constantly diminished, as has anything that would spark a MUFC-style revolt against Silent Stan's penny pinching ownership. Keeping Stan out of the spotlight and having a marketing spin wizard like Ivan as his public face, compared to the bumbling Equaliser Ed Woodward in Manchester, has to be a conscious PR move.

The result has been to sharply divide the Arsenal supporters, forcing them to choose between the club as an institution and Wenger as a person (or Wenger's pet players). It's forced people who love Arsenal to choose between a desire to see success for the club and a perceived loyalty to Arsene Wenger.

Name-calling, insults, epithets, threats--all are the result of this spin campaign designed to protect "the brand" that is Arsenal while simultaneously hiding whatever the actual truth is that exists behind the curtain. The club-promoted spin ends up pitting supporters against each other, with one side accepting the "orthodox" view and feeling the need to attack the "heretics."

"If you really loved Arsenal, you'd shut up and support Wenger and the players!" Unless those players are named Podolski, at which point you should shut up and attack the players.

So where are we now? Qualified for the Champions League group stages and the cash that gets Arsenal's summer transfers closer to break even. No plans to strengthen at the back (clearly a desperate need and just wait until one of Per, Koz, or Chambers gets injured), no plans to buy an established goal scorer (because remember, Mr. Yank Stats Blogger says you don't need one), and no need to buy a powerful defensive midfielder.

The purchases of Ozil and Sanchez, taken in a broader context, don't really signify much other than that there is a bit more cash on hand to keep advancing the brand. It's not about putting together a team that will win a league title. It's about the fear of harming the global cash flow. The trip to the USA this summer looks more and more like a one off designed to do nothing more than appease the Yanks who make up an huge percentage of the world's Arsenal fans.

Lastly, because I've gone on far too long, I want you to consider this line from the world's most famous Arsenal blogger:

"When you consider that we’ve just done Besiktas away, Everton away, and now Besiktas at home, that’s a pretty challenging schedule for a team that has got its troubles right now. Injuries, shortened pre-season preparation, new arrivals still bedding in and overall a group of players that hasn’t really gelled yet, to have come through that successfully is good going."

At no point in that statement is there anything that implicates Arsene Wenger or the club for creating those "challenges."  It's as though the "challenges" were handed down by God or some random force. NO!!!!

The TRUTH is that every problem Arsenal have right now is SELF INFLICTED!!!! Stop the club spin! Injuries?  You didn't know that Gibbs is injury prone? You didn't know that Arteta has had major injury problems in his career and is pushing 35? And all the other crap?

I hate corporate sloganeering as much as I hate anything in the world, but all I can say to this bullshit spin is

IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, YOU PLAN TO FAIL.

Thanks for reading.

Attack of the unknown unknowns

How quickly things change.

Yesterday it was (most likely) club-planted spin from the Arsenal bloggers about how shite Podolski is and how he won't be missed and how Arsenal can only play Pulis-style ball these days with a hulking target man up front.

I ranted a few months back about "the way Arsenal play," that the biggest defence that the club-connected bloggers put out for Giroud was that Arsenal simply couldn't change "they way they play" to accommodate a lethal left-footed striker like Podolski.

Hard to believe, isn't it, that one of the most accomplished managers in the history of the club can't get his players to adapt, that the only style they understand is lumping it up the pitch to a big Duncan Ferguson-type, otherwise all is lost.

If you buy into that excuse, it certainly makes the marginalisation and eventual dismissal of Podolski seem perfectly logical. Of course, Arsene Wenger's third act in his Arsenal managerial stint is that he's morphed into Sam Allardyce without the defensive pragmatism. Oy.

One of the most famous Arsenal bloggers on earth (and obviously one with close ties to the club's PR staff) actually said yesterday of Giroud "he’s still by far and away the best option we have as the lone front man in the system we play."  Compare that to what I wrote less than a month ago.

This person actually speculates on the most unknown of unknowns at Arsenal, that "somehow" Sanogo "might" score and "open the floodgates." Really?  So let's get rid of a player that is a proven goal scorer and pin our hopes on a player who has never scored at all?

If that's not the biggest bunch of bolloxy spin since Donald Rumsfeld prowled the halls of the Pentagon, I don't know what is. The adherence to the party line has gotten so ridiculous that one begins to question people's grip on reality.

The same day as that attempt to smooth over the cracks was posted, Mr. Rational Yank Stats Blogger just coincidentally posts a treatise on the fact that clubs don't need a big-scoring forward to win the league. That is certainly convenient.

A club that has for the most part averaged fewer than 2 goals per game doesn't need a forward who can find the back of the net better than Giroud. Again, why not?  His 27 goals over the course of two seasons, combined with his Heskey-esque "qualities" will carry Arsenal to a title.

January of 2014 and Arsenal were down 2 of the main goal scorers in the squad, still lacked any adequate cover for the lone "striker," and everyone questioned how Wenger was going manage the transfers in order to sustain the club's first title challenge in years. Fortunately, he responded by

signing an injured midfielder on loan.

None of the "famous" bloggers talk about this response to an injury crisis at the club now. I'm guessing they assume that nobody who follows them has read "1984" nor lived through the good ol' days of totalitarian regimes in places like China, the Soviet Union, or Cuba. Bloggers?  More like members of the Ministry of Truth.

I've spent so much time talking about this issue of the injury to Giroud and the smear campaign against Podolski that I've not even mentioned the lack of cover at the back. Maybe that's what the club PR staff want?

Has anyone considered what might happen if Per or Chambers or Koz get crocked in one of the next two matches?  Has anyone thought about what selling clubs might charge if they know that Arsenal are well and truly over a barrel and desperate to find adequate support in the final hours of the transfer window?

You call that managing the club's transfer business in a proper manner?

The intentions of the ownership, board, and manager will be clear over the next week. I hope that simply contending for the 4th Place Champions Trophy isn't the goal of the season. But at least we know we can count on quality spin from the bloggers to soothe our spirits if it is.

Remain calm, all is well!

One of the hallmarks of global climate change denouncers is that they love taking an aberrant event and saying "Ha! I guess you can blame that on 'global warming,' ha ha!" or something equally thoughtful and intelligent.

They can't take a rebuttal that includes average annual temperatures on both land and sea, disappearing polar ice, droughts, or actual facts. No, it's the one snow in early April that proves that everyone in the scientific world is wrong and they're right.

They also have the support of "research" and "real scientists" who are paid by those who profit from unregulated emission of carbon into the atmosphere. This helps to lend legitimacy to their claims, too. You can say "but those people are paid to doctor up results and produce that information" and they'll say something strange and loud back at you just to shut you up.

Thus we have the reaction to Olivier Giroud's performance on Saturday versus Everton.

I want to make just a few points about the match.

1) I said on this blog after the Community Shield of Giroud, "Bring him on when others are tired and suddenly he looks fast and lively!" This is exactly what Wenger did on Saturday, and exactly how Giroud looked.

You're welcome.

2) What has happened to Arsenal?  Or should I say "Bolton-al?" Or "Ar-Stoke?"

Remember when Wenger teams played...um, without lumping the ball at a big lump in the middle?  It's starting to fade from memory now. And the attack is so impoverished that a player who managed 27 goals in two complete league seasons is the only thing that will help it.

I'm not sure what this means for the future, but this is certainly not the Arsenal of pleasing, attacking football that I first encountered at the beginning of Wenger's reign. His answer to needing goals is hoof it up the pitch to a lumbering big player.

Surely this is a sign of the end of days?  That Arsenal have to play Tony Pulis' tactics to win? No wonder he prefers a player who has never scored to Lukas Podolski!

3) The "Arsene knows!" folk are using the Saturday match to hail the improvement in the side, to trumpet the fighting spirit and character of the team, and generally to say that everything Wenger is doing is perfect and we're still on for the treble.

If you conveniently ignore the schoolboy errors and general lack of composure in the first 45 minutes, you can say just about anything you want, I suppose. What were the problems that put the side into 4th place again last season?

Conceding early from a set piece header? Check.
Playing a defensive line so high that when Per was robbed of the ball he was closer to the opponent's goal than the halfway line? Check.
Fullbacks the only way your attack has width, exposing the back line to a simple counter attack? Check.

Of course everything is fine because the second goal shouldn't have stood. The mistakes that have been happening for years?  Those are...well...those aren't important!   There is no global warming!

4) I've yet to see one person who loves Giroud and thinks he's infallible who isn't already a self-professed worshiper of Arsene Wenger. Makes me wonder if it's possible there's another agenda at work.  Hmm...

5) And lastly, like those who are paid to produce favourable results for the climate change denouncers, you have to speculate on why seemingly neutral bloggers manage never to have a bad word to say about the manager or his pet players.

Can any of these people who have routinely denounced Lukas Podolski apply the same critical eye to Olivier Giroud? No? Well, I suppose that's just pure coincidence and these people aren't being compensated by the club, through money, special access, or both.

So that's it, there's no global warming, Arsenal don't need an upgrade at the striker position or cover at the back, remain calm, all is well. 

Surprise! Meh, not really.

The Everton v. Leicester match had a slightly familiar feel to it. Chris Wood's late equaliser, and really, the way the entire match unfolded, looked a little more like Roberto Martinez' last Wigan side than last year's Everton.

Wigan shipped goals like mad in their relegation season. Martinez was committed to playing an open, attacking, very "Arsenal-esque" style despite having lost many of his best players to bigger clubs. I speculated at the time if winning the FA Cup and playing as though nothing mattered but style were worth the price.  Stylish football is expensive to maintain, as Dave Whelan found out by employing a manager who, not unlike Arsene Wenger, tends to eschew the more agricultural aspects of the game.

The open style and desire to play a pure and aesthetically pleasing brand of football requires talent, commitment, and desire--in that order. Managers who seek to have their teams play this way earn the admiration of writers and pundits because of the purity of their vision and their dedication to entertainment. However, they also often end up with P45 in hand.

Wenger and Martinez, if you listen to each of them talk about the game in the greater sense beyond just their own clubs or players, are seemingly cut from the same cloth. They want their players to embrace a philosophy based on movement, attacking play, going forward. Neither of them cares much for the efforts of managers like Sam Allardyce or Tony Pulis (or Alex McLeish, for that matter), who seem to succeed simply for the sake of succeeding.

And so, neither Martinez nor Wenger have ever cared much for what I call "pragmatic" football. Oh, Wenger was forced to embrace a more bucolic style during the 2013 run in, but immediately reverted to type once the next season began. And Martinez' first season at Everton saw a host of talented young players come together with a few veterans to amass the Toffees' highest points total in the Premier League era.

I would offer that Wenger will once again set his charges out at Goodison to play the style of football in which he believes. I suspect that Martinez will do the same with his.   Expect goals.  I can't say if the traffic will be as one-way as last season's fixture, but for a match that seemingly cries out for pragmatism (given Arsenal's thin defence and halting start to the Palace and Besiktas matches), my suspicion is that AW will ignore that.

SPEAKING OF WHICH...
Am I surprised that Arsenal still haven't bought a central defender?  No, not all. I don't expect Wenger to buy one.

Do I believe that Arsenal are "preparing a massive bid" for Cavani, and that Wenger pet Olivier Giroud will go the other way as a makeweight?

I've never laughed so hard at a transfer rumour. Never. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Who honestly believes this?  Who retweets it? Who said it in the first place?  And who was the first person to give it any validity?

If this blog post is about managers reverting to type, who honestly believes that a) Wenger would give up on Giroud now that he's made his typically stubborn commitment to him with a contract extension? And b) That Silent Stan approves of spending more of his precious money on a player after he graciously allowed the club to purchase Sanchez? And finally c) That Wenger will be allowed to spend the money from Vermaelen's transfer after a summer of mad purchases?

Wake up. WAKE UP!