One step above the mule

I must confess, I’m befuddled by soft-core porn. You know the kind I mean—it populates Cinemax and Showtime and it has names such as “Illicit Desires,” “Illicit Passions,” “Passionate Desires,” or “Bad Things Which Happen When You Give In To Your Illicit, Desirous Passions.”

Now, one thing I’ll say for these movies is that they manage to have fairly good-looking people in them. I’ve drawn the conclusion that it must be easier to get attractive people to simulate the sex act than to actually perform it. However, these more attractive people are not any more gifted in the field of acting. So you wonder, is there then a food chain of porn acting, and where upon this chain fall the soft-core folks? Do they make more money than the hard-core folk? Oh, I doubt that. I doubt that very much.

I watch a lot of these flicks. Mainly because I stay up very late, they’re always on, and they are one of the few mediums which can be entertaining, titillating, and amusing, all at the same time. It’s nice to see women undress and act slutty…come on, don’t deny it! And it’s instructional to see the consequences of relenting to your illicit passions and passionate desires (the consequences usually involve that you will have lots of sex with beautiful women and feel a tinge of remorse about that).

So, let us salute the purveyors of this art form, this “soft-core,” if you will. Thank you, one and all, for taking me through my late-night groin jazz landscape with just a little more zing than Mexican infomercials.

Hey, speaking of which, why did Gabriella Spanic do that one about the fat wrap? I’m pretty sure it’s Gabby. You know her, of course, from her legendary performance as Paola and Paolina Bracho from the magnificent “Usurpadora” novella. I adore her. She shouldn’t be shilling fat wrap. That’s just my theory.