SCENE: A lovely home somewhere in Ireland.
A disheveled man is sitting at a computer, laughing at his writing.
Irish man: Ha ha, that's fookin brilliant stuff there, I combined a reference to Phil Collins, John Terry, and pus-filled yak testicles!
(loud knock at the door)
What the fook? Who is buggering at my door at this time of the day? Go kill them, a**dog!
(A large German Shepherd dog rolls over and goes back to sleep.)
Fookin hellspawn of Sepp Blatter! Fine, I'll go get it myself.
(opens door)
Well, as I live and breathe the gassy emissions of Frank Stapleton, if it isn't my American best friend, 11amkickoff! What brings you to Ireland, you pedantic arsehole?
Yank blogger: Oh, come on A**blog, you know Arsenal pay for all my travel! I just thought it would be a great time for the two of us to get together and discuss the transfer window and how we'll polish this turd into something wonderful. I've brought 3,000 pages of charts and analysis showing how Danny Welbeck delivers more key passes per 90 minutes of deliberate gibberish than Lionel Messi.
Irish man: Well, hmm...I actually drank 9 litres of whiskey last night and haven't had my bacon yet, but I suppose you can come in. And if the club thinks it's important that we get together, then by the low-hanging bollox of Bob Wilson, I'm in! I do everything the club tells me.
Yank blogger: Oh, I know! You and I are so far up the club's rectum that it would take 9,000 pages of statistical analysis to get us out! (pauses for laughter that is not forthcoming)
So A**blog, as you know, we've really got our work cut out for us this time. I'm having a difficult time spinning this transfer window as the greatest ever. I mean, I've been having to write love letters about how "footballistically" Arsene did great things a decade ago just because I can't get enough boring statistics to obfuscate the obvious. If I can't convince the American Arsenal supporters that Wenger is perfect and that everything that's happening at the club is not his fault, there could be a full on rebellion!
Irish man: Ha ha! Yeah, you've got it rough. All I have to do is replace "Arsene Wenger" with "we" in my blogs that are even slightly critical and nobody even notices. I mean, they think if A**blog says it's all about "us" then people forget that Wenger even manages the club.
But you, with all that tedious "rational" bullshit you claim to produce, you've really got to work hard. Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me, but then again, you Yanks do tend to go overboard.
Yank blogger: Please, this hasn't been easy. The club expects me to keep the positive spin out there, and then I'm supposed to make up charts that show how Nacho is a better defender than Marcel Desailly by using something called "indefinite interceptions via the outer extremities per non-consecutive 30 minute segments."
It's gotten so bad that I've been considering just not blogging at all after the transfer window closes and using my kid as an excuse. Have you seen how I do that? When things are particularly horrible, like when Wenger's teams drop 22 of 33 points, I write about my kid and how we do stuff and how that makes me better than everybody else. I'm a genius.
Irish man: Well, maybe Yanks go for that sentimental manipulative bullshit, but all I have to do is fire up the "random infected animal" generator and people don't even notice that the club is going to shit before their eyes. Let me show you--
(walks to computer, opens up website, clicks on "generate" button)
A ha! See, if Arsenal lose by 5 goals, I just trot out "Scabies-ridden wombat" and people laugh and nobody gives a damn. The club love it when I do that.
Yank blogger: Well, I was thinking, see, the reason the club public relations people wanted us to get together face to face was to come up with a unified strategy. I mean this time it's even bigger than when we all got together and did the smear campaign against Podolski last spring and then he scored 4 goals in 2 matches. This time, it's got to appear that the fact that the club bought no defenders or a defensive midfielder is down to completely random circumstances, and that nobody anywhere is blame.
Irish man: Look, I've already told you my strategy. I'm good on the slating Podolski, I'm good on pretending that Sanogo is a footballer, and I'm good on distracting people from blaming Wenger by both pumping hot air into our opponents and never using Wenger's name unless it's praising him. And then I make jokes, loads of jokes.
You, on the other hand, you decided that the best way to manipulate your readers was by pretending that you use "rational analysis" to come to the conclusion that Wenger is blameless and that every player at the club is perfect. I gotta tell you, lad--that's a losing cause.
Yank blogger: Tell me about it! I'm dying! The club is already all over me about taking the week after the transfer window closed and going into hiding. I'm the one who is supposed to show that Joel Campbell is the worst player ever in comparison to Sanogo! I'm supposed to produce stats that pretend that Kim Kallstrom actually was the reason Arsenal won the FA Cup last year! I'm gonna have to adopt another kid or something.
Irish man: Ok, well, then, just follow my lead on this one. I'll keep saying things like "Podolski is terrible" and never mention Giroud and how three weeks ago we were all saying that the club will never win without Giroud in there, then I'll talk up Welbeck as the best striker in Europe (conveniently forgetting Giroud was that just days before), then I'll make excuses for how difficult it is to buy a defender and a defensive midfielder, and I'll only mention Wenger's name when I'm talking about how he has a master plan for everything.
Yank blogger: OK, I'll just support everything you say with some bullshit stats that mean nothing and mix in a few more "tributes" to Wenger right at the moment that he seems to have completely forgotten how to manage. I bet I can even come up with some that say that since February of 2013 this Arsenal defence is better than any in the history of football anywhere.
Irish man: Very good. Now please get the hell out of my house.
Yank blogger: Gladly. Your dog has been making love to my leg for the last ten minutes and you didn't even say anything.
Irish man: I bet you could produce some stats and charts about that, you insufferable nerd.
No comments:
Post a Comment