Men in Yellow n Blue

I heard an interview recently with Josh Brolin where he answered the question "How exactly does one develop a Tommy Lee Jones impression?"

"You pick something about him, that's what you do."

Like one thing, you pick it and you decide how that will influence your impression.

What one thing has Arsene Wenger picked about great footballing sides and decided to have his imitate?

What's that you say, Mr. Know it all Yank stats blogger man who bores us all to death at 7am? That Wenger is a true genius who completely transformed football by not copying any successful manager who came before him?

Hmm.

Well maybe not.

Is there one thing about this Arsenal side that stands out to you? What is the signature aspect of this side? I mean, apart from injuries, obviously.

Tiki taka? Pfft. Come on. This team gives away possession of the ball like an ugly drunken uni girl gives away her naughty bits.

So what is it? What is this team about? What is that "one thing?" Go on. The only thing you can pinpoint is Al Sanchez being great. Thank effing Christ.

I always thought, or hoped, that any manager who aspires to be truly great would not mind stealing from his predecessors.  A style. A tick. One thing that connected his side to another great one.

Robbie Mustoe, footballing expert, summed up this current incarnation of the Arsenal today in one sentence: "They tried to hang on and see out the victory but they're just not built to do that."

Indeed they are not. Even against a side down to 10 men, they are not. This is the same side that drew at Leicester. They're simply not that good. And by "that good" I mean able to protect a lead.

Perhaps the characteristic that Wenger has copied from some other manager is frailty.

I fear that 10 years into the future people will describe this time as "the declining Wenger years." You know. It's all gone to shit, and you'll be able to pinpoint that time where your club went from challenging for the title to challenging for barely finishing above Spurs.

It didn't have to be like this. Silent Stan and Futile Wenger could have made this better. More's the pity, eh?

PV4

The first Arsenal player whose name I knew was Ian Wright. "Wright8Gooner" was a username some bloke chose for the first Arsenal message board (yes those existed) back in the good old days, such was the power of his influence. I learned the "Ian Wright Wright Wright" song back in the 90's. (There was such a decade.)

The second was Patrick Vieira.

I won't draw this out. I just want to say that while I certainly appreciate the contributions and greatness of Thierry Henry to the success that Arsenal had, it has to be noted that before last season Wenger's Arsenal never won a trophy without Patrick Vieira.

I know that many many people who currently call themselves Arsenal supporters in the USA never saw PV4 play in an Arsenal shirt and thus have no real connection to him.

I also know that many many people in England who call themselves Arsenal supporters grew quite weary of Vieira's annual dalliance with a "bigger club" and hold both that and his current allegiance to MCFC against him.

To me, Vieira was the engine that drove the team forward, and even during Tony Adams' final years it was PV4 who was the real leader.

He had an amazing ability to break up an opposition attack and start Arsenal moving the opposite direction. He could control a match from deep in his own half. He was combative and sometimes ill-tempered.

But one thing about him--when he was on the pitch, the opposition rarely thought they could get away with anything. He had little tolerance for opposing players kicking his teammates.

All the love for Henry is deserved and I certainly have no small amount of affection for him, but when it comes to trophies at Arsenal, Vieira has to be ranked as the greatest player of the Wenger era and it isn't even really up for debate. PV4 was the most crucial piece to the puzzle.

The only constants in Wenger's "glory years" were Vieira and Bergkamp. The keeper, the back four, the midfield, and the strike force all changed from the 98 double winners to the 2005 FA Cup, but Vieira was always there. He's the one player Wenger has never managed to replace and don't give me that little homesick Catalan boy as your example. Vieira was a towering, intimidating presence.

Best player? Maybe it's someone else. Most important player? The numbers say it was Vieira.

Absolutely nothing

Before the shattering events of the Tet Offensive, United States General William Westmoreland famously stated that the USA had "turned a corner" in Vietnam.

D'oh!!!

It's been an interesting two weeks on planet Arsenal. A whipping at the hands of "the old enemy" in the Potteries followed by the glory of a dead rubber in Turkey and a training ground exercise against Newcastle, and lastly the most benevolent CL draw in years. What to make of it all?

Absolutely nothing.

But first, a public service announcement:

To the Rational Stats Blogger Yank--I think, maybe, you're having a bit of trouble seeing and hearing because of the location of your head. You may want to remove it from Wenger's rectum at some point because I fear you may be suffocated.

According to the establishment bloggers, it's wrong to barrack Wenger ever, because more than a decade ago he ended a run of 3 league titles in seven years. This means he can't be yelled at. This also means that when he is yelled at. we're supposed to remember that "nobody else could have done what he did when the club moved grounds."

NOBODY! DO YE HEAR ME?  NOBODY EVER ANYWHERE COULD HAVE GUIDED ARSENAL TO WHERE THEY FINISHED OVER THE PAST DECADE! 

I certainly never tire of that old saw.  No, it never gets old that these establishment bloggers have a magical window into every possible scenario where another manager is in charge of Arsenal and fails to finish fourth. I wish I had one of those, I'd use it for betting on horses instead of telling people that Arsene Wenger is infallible.

Now back to the actual blog.

Let's recap: In Istanbul. Podolski scored but it's meaningless because the match was meaningless, except for those who use it to say that Wenger is a great manager, but they say that Poldi sucks. So I can't sort it--when we talk about a player that isn't one of Wenger's pets, we must say that the match was meaningless. But when we talk about Wenger, must say it proves he's a masterful leader.

George Orwell loves you, bitches! #doublethink4Life

Then an oddly subdued Newcastle United, led by a strangely complimentary Alain Pardeux, fall at the first hurdle to an Arsenal driven by Olivier Giroud--which again proves that Wenger is a genius and anyone who hooted at him at the train in Stoke is a cunt. Right? That's what I've heard, anyway.

I was surprised by the Newcastle match, except that I wasn't. The establishment bloggers will tell you that it means something, that it's significant, that this is Wenger at his best, that all is well, and that you should remain calm and drink this fruit-flavoured red drink they're handing you.

They'll tell you that Giroud is amazing, they'll tell you to ignore the points haul and the results against teams like Leicester and Stoke and Spuds and Swansea. I have a bit of a problem with that.

If there's one thing you can discern from the last three Arsenal matches, it's that you can't discern anything. It is meaningless. When Arsenal went 3-0 up against the Magpies, I said "I bet Newcastle score now." And of course they did. It wasn't a moment of individual brilliance or tactical awareness, it was sloppy defending and a schoolboy error that gave them their toehold back in the match.

Am I being churlish? It depends on how you view things, I suppose. If you think Wenger is perfect and above reproach, you probably think I am. If you write 2000 words telling supporters why he should never, ever, ever be criticised, then I'm sure you think I am. 

The truth is that under Wenger, every match is a coin flip. They can drop 2 points to the worst team in the league or deliver a stylish beatdown to the team that saved the Invincibles. They can be humiliated by a side that lost at home to Burnley, or "bravely" draw with the MCFC billionaires.

So attempting to infer anything, or use any result as a reason to say that Arsenal have "turned a corner," is meaningless. And that is exactly why I'm over Wenger as the gaffer. A decent manager would have this side fighting each and every week for every possible point. Arsenal don't do that. So Arsenal don't have a decent manager anymore.

Fucking Leicester City, people!!!!

As for the Champions League draw, we are collectively somewhat relieved that it wasn't...insert name of better team managed by a competent manager here, convinced that this too has meaning.

Think about that for a moment--our manager is so shit that we actively hoped we wouldn't face a "better" club. But when you're dominated by Stoke and humbled by Leicester and Hull, what exactly is a better club? Anderlicht? I mean it. Why exactly were you hopeful that it was Monaco?

Because you have been conditioned to believe that Arsenal don't stand a chance against "big" clubs. You suffer from the doublethink--Arsenal are a big club that can sign players like Ozil and Sanchez, but Arsenal need to hide from Bayern and Madrid.

Proud of yourselves?

You fear that no matter which of the powerhouse clubs Arsenal may have faced, they would have been destroyed in the first leg because of the manager's inability to set the team out in a manner that would give them a chance to win.

You fear that. Imagine how the players feel!

So who knows how the tie with the principality will go? Nobody. Not you, not myself, and not the establishment bloggers with their magic windows. If Arsenal can stick 4 past the side that vanquished Chelsea, they can just as easily play like shit against Swansea or Hull or Leicester.

That's why this week means absolutely nothing. Come on you Gunners.

Train booing

When I first started writing about Arsenal, the club and the manager were only a few years removed from an unbeaten season followed by an FA Cup. Despite my frustrations with players like Denilson and Adebayor, and despite my reservations about Wenger's transfer policy, and despite the impact of the move to the Grove, I was largely positive. 

I actually enjoyed writing about Arsenal. There was the fair share of heartbreak and of course there was the horrible 2008-2009 team along the way, but my feelings were largely positive. Sadly, those days are gone.

I used to get so upset when Arsenal lost that I wouldn't want to watch anything else related to sport for days. I'd be a bit melancholic and say "meh" to everything else. 

Now it's the opposite. Arsenal lose and I say "meh" and go on to everything else in sport. I can't even understand the people who took the time to go hoot at Wenger as he got on the train. Every time you do that, he'll just deepen his resolve to buy some injured bloke you've never heard of in January just to piss you off more.

Thank you, Arsene and Stan. You've killed my spirit. You've removed my passion for Arsenal. I no longer am upset when Arsenal lose. Lose? Whatever. Ok then. 

And not just lose, but lose in a disappointing, dispiriting fashion. Capitulate. Play poorly. Make stupid, senseless errors that ought to have been eliminated years ago. 

And not just play poor, stupid football, but also fail to employ tactics that could at least give the side a chance in difficult matches. 

And not just play poor, stupid football and fail to employ the proper tactics, but completely ignore the team's pressing needs during multiple transfer windows. 

Yeah, that stuff doesn't bother me anymore. It really doesn't. I just shrug my shoulders and walk away. 

I shrug my shoulders at the following, too.

So far this season, the following managers have taken league points off Arsene Wenger:

Roberto Martinez

Nigel Pearson
Manuel Pellegrini

Mauricio Pochettino

Jose Mourinho

Steve Bruce

Garry Monk

Louis van Gaal
Mark Hughes

Nigel Pearson, whose team sit bottom of the league and have managed only 10 points from 15 fixtures, took a point off Arsene Wenger. Garry Monk, who has been managing for less than a year, took the full 3 off Wenger. Steve Bruce, whose side have managed 13 points all season, took a point off Arsene Wenger at Ashburton Grove. Mark Hughes, who lost to relegation fodder Burnley AT HOME, took the full 3 points off Arsene Wenger. 

Now, I ask you, when you read the preceding paragraph, how do you feel? 

Do you blame the gods? Do you blame the referees? Do you blame yourself? 

You may, and by all means, go ahead and do so. I know the famous Irish blogger always says "we" when he could easily say "Arsene Fucking Wenger" but then again, he's paid by the club so I suppose he has no choice. I don't say "we" didn't buy the right players, nor do I say "we" set the team out with fuck all tactics. 

Arsenal are no longer the football club I began following in 1996. Arsenal are now an Arsene Wenger vanity project. That project, by the way, is failing. 

I never thought I'd see the club I love held hostage to the ego and intransigence of one person, and that situation made possible by one other person. You don't need a doctorate in business to know how Silent Stan Cranky operates. He could give two severed rat testicles about Arsenal winning a trophy, but that might take away from his son's millions he's being paid for "consulting services."

Maybe those services involve elaborate powerpoint presentations on "how to sell players and not replace them," or "the tactical genius of the high defensive line." I don't really know. But based on the results, i.e. losing to Garry Monk and drawing with Leicester City's Nigel Pearson, I'd say FUCK YOU STAN CRANKY AND FUCK YOUR SON AND FUCK YOUR CONSULTING SERVICES UP THE FUCKING ARSEHOLE. 

But hey, that's just me. I could be wrong.

The point is, I just don't give a toss about Arsenal anymore. Lost to Stoke by surrendering three goals? Oh well. That's that. Drawn with the absolute worst team in the league? Meh. Ok. So what? 

Thanks, Arsene and Stan. You've killed my joy for this club. Maybe the two of you can go build a Walmart shopping centre somewhere when this is all over, you fucking cunts.