I recently found a universal truth. Actually, I have found several of them. I haven't decided yet if they are related to one another. I may. I may do some intense research on that possibility.
The first of these revelations is that Colin Cowherd sucks. This blowhard fancies himself some kind of sports radio talk host. He looks like the jerk from high school who thought the band was cool, no, who thought the band was badass. And yes, I am indeed going to make fun of his appearance. Before I had seen him, I thought from the way he talked about himself that he was in some way a smooth dude, but he is obviously a geek who got abused by jocks somewhere along the way and is now taking his revenge on the sports world by pretending to talk about it.
And talk about it with a whiny, nasal, grating voice that sounds more like it belonged on a Hannah-Barbera cartoon as one of their archetypal over-officious boss characters. "Get in here, Flintstone!" you can almost hear him say.
Yet if he had anything even remotely interesting to say about sports, perhaps his numerous other flaws might not matter as much.
Instead, he passes himself off as a "business man." He brays that his audience is made up of "CEOs, entrepreneurs, guys who make decisions." From what I've heard when that audience calls the show, the only decision they make is whether to stay on the couch and piss in their adult diapers or actually make it to the can this time.
He is the ultimate frontrunner. He drones on and on about Kobe, LeBron, the Yankees, the Cowboys, Notre Dame football, and USC football. He spends hours talking about the television ratings of various events. He talks about jersey sales. In other words, he is boring. He can spend entire days telling his audience why TV networks want the Yankees to win.
REALLY? It takes you HOURS to tell people that. Who doesn't already know this boring crap? "Blah blah blah, Duke saved the NCAA tournament because nobody wants to watch Butler."
Hey buddy, do you actually know anything about the sports you talk about? Why don't you go on CNBC or Fox Business? Or better yet, because you would annoy so many people on those channels, Bloomberg TV. Jersey sales? Ratings? What is this, "Daily Variety?" zzzzzzzzzz...
Instead of bleating on and on about the most obvious things in the world, why not tell us who the NEXT Kobe or LeBron is? Why not give some actual insight into something taking place in sport, instead of "Kobe and LeBron is interesting television." Is it? IS IT REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU ABSO-F***ING-LUTELY SURE, NERD? Maybe you could talk about which baseball teams have the best player development systems? No, that would require actual knowledge of your subject, and you have demonstrated every day for years now that you HAVE NONE.
So this jerk gets a radio show that is neither morning drive nor afternoon drive. Does that say anything? There's a reason you weren't given Dan Patrick's spot, goober. It's because YOU SUCK. If you really were cool, you wouldn't have to talk about what a great businessman you are, you wouldn't have to brag about how hard you work, you wouldn't need to remind us how busy you are, because you wouldn't have to. Hard work is obvious. I don't hear Mike & Mike bragging about themselves and how hard they work. Do you know why? BECAUSE IT SHOWS IN THEIR EFFORTS. Your audience is made up of CEOs, huh? Sure. Jack Welch wakes up every day panting at the thought of listening to your grating voice prattle on about the most obvious stories in the world.
Do sports radio fans a favour and please go far, far away from a microphone, and never come back to one again. Thanks!
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If you go back, deep into the archives of this off-again, on-again blog, you'll learn that 5 years ago I was involved with a girl who suffers from bipolar disorder. It was as much fun as it was terrible, which if you think about it ought to be obvious. Well, last summer she contacted me and told me that she had been working hard to improve her life, that she no longer abused drugs and alcohol, and that she had feelings for me. I pondered the possibility of getting involved with her again, and decided that since we live a good 7 hours drive apart, it couldn't really hurt. And she was indeed doing better.
Just be prepared if you ever decide to involve yourself with someone with a serious mental disorder. It never really gets better. Never.
She is beautiful, strikingly beautiful, she has a good heart and a great sense of humour. But brother, when that wind in her mind shifts direction, it really shifts direction. I went to a support meeting for families of people with mental illness, and at the very end when I was leaving, a woman asked me, "You mean you would willingly get involved with someone who has bipolar disorder?"
So universal truth number two: Crazy people are crazy and they stay crazy. They don't ever stop being crazy. Enter at your own risk. The world assumes no liability for you.
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