The funniest thing happened

Dear Val,

I cannot believe it, but I'm actually typing this letter from TIJUANA, MEXICO! Yes, don't ask me how I wound up here, but suffice it to say I was drugged in a sleazy bar by a pushy broad and next thing I know, I'm in the back of a pig farmer's truck somewhere in Baja California.

Hmm…

It all started several months ago when I was approached by the National Security Agency. They had apparently heard of how incredibly dashing I am, of my power to speak several sentences from almost any language, and of my amazing track record with women of foreign origin. "Antonio," they said, "we've been watching you, and quite frankly, you frighten us. We know you're a dirty commie, and we know you’re irresistible to many women we consider dangerous. This is a combination we're not willing to ignore any longer." And with that, I was hit on the head by someone who had snuck up from behind me and given me a brutal bash with a billyclub.

I woke up in what I would later find out is a top-secret (as opposed to bottom secret, which is what Bill Clinton often experiences) government training center in Gaffney, South Carolina. I found out a lot of things those three days that have since terrified me…the most important-that Generic Baby Diapers Confederated Nappies, Inc. is a front company for the U.S. Government to export terrorism, sabotage, and leaky diapers!

I felt like such a fool for being sucked into this tawdry web of torture and excess baby poop! How could I ever go back, knowing that thanks to my efforts there had been a dramatic rise in the disease rate among Chinese peasants, due in no small part to the defective defecation collection of our Chinese product "Super Dump n' Leak, You Bet!" It was the intention of the government to slowly reduce the population of our enemies by flooding the world diaper market with Generic Baby Diapers Confederated Nappies, Inc. diapers, which would foster the spread of disease. And what a perfect front company to do it! A company which had no website, a company whose name never even appeared on the packaging! DIABOLICAL!

My friend (at least I thought he was my friend) Chuck Medicine had long been a member of the "vast right wing conspiracy" that Hillary Clinton so cleverly uncovered while her husband was testing the ability of the human body to restore moisture to dried-up cigars. Yes, THAT vast right wing conspiracy! I know you're shocked. You should be. I too was shocked when I found out that Mrs. Clinton was right about something!

But I digress...It was my so-called friend Chuck who talked me into coming to work for Generic Baby Diapers Confederated Nappies, Inc. in the first place. It never occurred to me that there was anything unusual about a multi-billion dollar company that no one had ever heard of! My god, was I naïve! Yes, I was. It was explained to me that Chuck had willingly volunteered to join the vast right wing conspiracy, and was handsomely compensated every time he brought in a new member. Even though he knew I was a dirty commie, he thought that our friendship would somehow take precedence over my bizarre adherence to a failed socio-economic philosophy that had enslaved over half the world's population. Sucker!

It was also explained to me that the ridiculous amount of traveling I did during my first month or two at Generic Baby Diapers Confederated Nappies, Inc. was a time which the NSA would be evaluating my ability to deal with adverse conditions…you know, things like no cappuccino in the hotel room, no HBO, not getting upgraded to first class when I fly Delta…but most of all, how smarmy and Sinatra-esque I could be when slinking about the North American Continent. Well, you know me…I passed with flying colours! Every woman I met, every flight attendant I schmoozed with to get free drinks, every Olive Garden hostess I called "gorgeous" in order to get seated first…they were all planted by the NSA, and my every action was monitored via a host of miniature cameras, powerful microphones, and satellite uplinks.

While I was trapped in Gaffney, I was shown a video compiled of the highlights of these endeavors…and I was GOOD, BABY, I WAS AWESOME!!! I watched that video 11 times, I would sneak into the interrogation/conditioning room when nobody was around and munch on some popcorn while admiring my incredibly smooth techniques. I would like this video entered in next year's Cannes Film Festival, and I would like Special Agent Randolph Mantooth to be nominated for best director.

After three days in Gaffney, I was ready to be released back into society with a new mission. I would no longer be just a sleazy wannabe lounge singer who served only himself. No, I would be a sleazy wannabe lounge singer who would serve a disgusting and corrupt government. Why, you ask? Why would I betray my principles? Two reasons, Val: One, they threatened to pour acid "where the sun don't shine," and two, I figured I could get closer to the top people behind the scam, expose them, or get lots of chicks while trying.

And so it happened…two days ago, in some dive in the greater Atlanta area, I met Lisbeth De Ruyter…rich, painfully beautiful, and (seemingly) very, very stupid. I found her irresistible, I found her charming…hell, I found her willing, and that's a good 75% of the equation right there! Oh she played it perfectly, all right. Breathless, giggling, constantly touching me, cleaning my back teeth with her tongue…Those were all her subtle tricks, and I fell for them! What a fool she played me for! You should see her, Val…all hair, wiggles, and teeth. It's so obvious now! Chuck was talking about her for weeks before I actually met her, going so far as to arrange our meeting.

And it was all a trap sprung by the vast right wing conspiracy to expose me as a traitor to their cause. Oh, I talked, yes, I blabbed my whole plan to her, all about the way I was going to track them down and tell the world about their crazy schemes. And she was wearing a wire! Well, it was an underwire…heh heh! Oh, but I make a poor joke at such a terrible time. Please forgive me.

So now I'm on the lamb again, which the lamb abhors but it was the only means of transport I could steal without notice.

So how are things with you? Well, I hope.