I am curious, orange

What do I know about the Basque...let me think.

They like blowing up stuff.

They don't like being told what to do.

They have their own identity, and your opinion means shit.

You cross them at your peril.

(If any of that offends, remember, I'm recounting off the top of my head what I know about the Basque, not writing a goddamned manifesto.)

When I think of the Basque, I see a man with a shotgun over his shoulder, casting a wary eye about himself, wondering what the hell it is you want and why you're in his land in the first place.

So Unai Emery, then? Football. Bloody hell.

My flatmate in Manchester, the venerable Alejandro, was from Sevilla. He is well-versed in the ways of the Andalusian dog. He likes Emery. So that's ok with me. He also knows about derby matches, and hates Betis. So again, that's ok with me.

Emery didn't register with me until his years with Sevilla, but I have to say that 3 consecutive Uefa Cup/Zooropa League titles stirred me. By the third one, I said, "Well, Sevilla always win it, so that's that." I remember watching the quarter-final v Porto and thinking "This is nuts." And it was a pretty freaking great reversal.

Another thing I remember about Sevilla during that time is that they had Negredo (the Beast, the real one) and Navas. "What does Navas do?" asked my Arsenal-loving mate Devin. Well, when he was at Sevilla he played really well. And when Emery came in, he had to contend with Sevilla being a selling club and losing players like that, and he did just fine.

I don't know much more about the dude--I didn't see any of his work at PSG that sticks with me. I wanted Ancelotti to replace Wenger, and somehow he's at Napoli. Which, uh...Napoli? Ok.

I like the appointment of Emery because he has won things, he's not David Moyes, and I really don't have a choice not to like it because my liking or disliking it won't register with Stanley Kranky, the ghostly mustache.

Philip Roth is dead, and I don't feel so good either

When David Bowie died, the news was given to me by a woman that I assumed at the time I was going to marry. Early in the morning, the phone rang in Manchester, England. "David Bowie died."

It is stupid, the way I react to such things, but it is because I am confronted by the thought that this stupid planet populated with all these stupid chimp people is diminished when someone like David Jones Bowie meets his end. Bowie was not a chimp. If anyone had ever managed to transcend our own pathetic DNA, it was Bowie.

And so, last night, I open my web browser and "Philip Roth, American Novelist, Dead at 85." It is as perfunctory a headline as one might write on such an occasion, and equally as meaningless. Philip Roth was perhaps not a worthy compass, but my compass he was. His use of the language, his angry need for precision, his disdain for the stupid, and his unrelenting self-criticism and self-examination were nothing less than my aspiration. Yes, Philip, I admired you. I know you'd hate that, but there is no hiding from it.

There was no one more adept at stringing words together to form sentences, grouping them into paragraphs, and writing them down, top to bottom, left to right. No one. He cites influences and you see why. Turgenev. Conrad. Roth.

Specific, specific to the point of pain, was Roth's writing. I am sometimes ashamed at how horribly I attempted to copy his style, unintentional though it was. How badly I wanted to write like that. How specific. How critical. And how, much like the topic of self-pleasure, I chose such a mundane subject as football as my medium.

Onanism, in and of itself, is such an everyday occurrence that to devote so many words to it beggars belief. "I am wanking. I am wanking again. I am still wanking. At some point, I will cease to wank."

"Goodbye, Columbus." I am not Jewish. I am circumcised, however. I was raised by a mother who used the iron fist of religion (Southern Baptist, so perhaps we can sit down over some wine and discuss guilt at some point) to control her family, and in a community where everyone shared a commonality of some type of "faith" in a deity who in turn controlled all of us. I am not Jewish, but Roth's words, his place, resonated with me like no other writer of fiction.

Hell, I can barely stand fiction at all. And yet whose books sat on my bookshelf, who did I carry with me through multiple move after multiple move? Roth.

I will never be as good at anything, not even masturbation, as Philip Roth was at writing. The world is diminished today, and I doubt we chimps even recognise it.

Arsene Wenger retires after 13 years as manager

I remember when Arsene Wenger was named Arsenal manager. It was a curious time. Arsenal's previous manager, Arsene Wenger, was one of the club's most successful, rivaling Herbert Chapman and surpassing George Graham with 3 league titles and FA Cup victories over Newcastle, Chelsea, Southampton, and Manchester United. Under Wenger, the Arsenal regularly featured in at least the last 8 of the Uefa Champions League and had made the final of the Uefa Cup. He had even guided the team to a UCL final only to lose in heartbreaking fashion to Barcelona in 2006. 

It was logical that Wenger would move on to find other challenges after that final. He had played a key role in helping prepare the club to move to a modern, large stadium that opened a few months after the Barca loss. He had won medals, and his teams had done it with a flair that few other sides could ever hope to match. He had set a mark of going through an entire Premiere League season unbeaten--something that hadn't happened in the top flight of English football since Preston did it in 1649 when the ball was the severed head of King Charles I.

Wenger was a canny man who understood that as manager of Arsenal he would probably never again scale those lofty heights, and left to become an economics professeur at Le Nouvelle Ecole in his native Alsace. He continues to serve as a commentator for French international football and an adviser to the FFF.

An extensive search was undertaken and Wenger's replacement was named--an obscure French manager who was at the time playing footvolley in Brasil, Arsene Wenger. 

Wenger had enjoyed success in two previous stops in France and Japan, was known as an aesthete and a bit of a purist, and seemed a logical choice to follow the glory of the previous manager, as the club tended to make "unorthodox" choices. 

Unfortunately, Wenger's appointment in 2006 coincided with many boardroom machinations and behind-the-scenes schemes led by the previous manager's ally David Dein and likely fueled by a desire to "cash in" on the club's value by long-time shareholders such as Lady Nina. Chairman Peter Hill-Wood, whose family had served as stewards of the club was reportedly experiencing health issues. Dein himself, the vice-chairman, owned a large stake in the club and he too saw an opportunity to enrich himself by unloading his shares at their all-time high. 

Due to the debt loaded onto the club with the construction and financing of the Ashburton Grove stadium, Arsenal were about to enter a period of restrictive activity in the transfer market. The new manager was rumoured to revile capitalism and believed that through sheer force of will and personality could overcome the financial limitations on the club while continuing in his predecessor's footsteps, forgoing "pragmatic" football in pursuit of a pure aesthetic. 

As the vice-chairman brought in American business hack Stanley Krankey and Russian criminal Alisher Usmanov, and as the Hill-Wood family stepped down from leading the club, Wenger posited a theory that he could "raise a new generation" of footballers in "the Arsenal way," players who would grow up together and learn to love the club and one another. This oft-ridiculed undertaking was known as "Project Youth," which failed spectacularly as within a few years nearly the entire squad had either been sold, released, or badly injured. Despite losing his "prize jewels" and winning nothing, Wenger persisted in attempting to play "beautiful football" with little more than Sunday pub leaguers. 

During this era, Wenger regularly eschewed the defensive side of the game. Unlike his predecessor, he didn't inherit a back five that had been drilled and disciplined by George Graham, and in fact it appeared that Wenger gave little or no thought to defending at all. Arsenal under Wenger became known for conceding on set pieces and simple long-ball tactics, and his teams were often bested by novice managers such as Garry Monk. 

Having enjoyed great success under Arsene Wenger, Arsenal supporters became increasingly frustrated with such tactical naivete and insipid displays. Fractures became common among the supporters, the board were invisible, the "absentee landlord" American did nothing but charge the club "consulting fees," and through it all the manager insisted that the high defensive line and gung-ho attacking would work. 

Wenger's final few years brought 3 FA Cup wins in four seasons and a semi-final appearance in the Europa league. The club began to slip down the table despite featuring a host of international first-teamers, allowing local scum nuisances Tottenham to finish above Arsenal in the table. In Wenger's final two seasons, Arsenal fell from the Champions League places as younger, more dynamic, or more pragmatic managers delivered what he could not.

Wenger's three FA Cup wins in his 13 seasons will be fondly remembered, but he will always suffer in comparison to the man who sat in the chair before him. We here at the Existential Arsenalist wish him well in his future endeavours and thank him for his service to this great club.

Split the difference, go to the Grove

So Arsene Wenger manages his last match at the Ashburton Grove Spaceship Huge-O-Plex. Who would have thought so long ago that the structure that was supposed to give Arsenal somewhat equal footing with "big clubs" would then be used to excuse poor tactics, bad and sometimes inexplicable player purchases, and become a house of horrors for the same man who gave the Gunners two league-cup doubles and a 49 match unbeaten run?

The beautiful lunacy of the man who appeared at a debate in New York and simply repeated the mantra "The rent is too damn high" was first proffered in a different though somehow similar form with "The move was too damn expensive." Over and over, match after match, season after season, the excuse was repeated. Oh Danny Fiszman, what didst thou bring down upon us with Stanley Krankey? The ghostly mustache used Wenger's own natural "Money IS evil, not just the root of it" Marxist philosophy as cover to bilk the club and excuse brainless football.

Ashburton Mongoplex became the first evidence of Arsene Wenger's flaws--the game in England to that point was driven by aesthetes like Alex Ferguson and Wenger. Roman "I made my money honestly wink wink nudge nudge" Abramovich eschewed aesthetics to please a trophy-hungry chavvy fan base and chose to hire the most Philistine "special one" in the world. If Sam Allardyce's Bolton teams were "Kevin Davies and a cloud of elbows," just remember Mourinho's first Chelsea teams, "Frank Lampard, Drogba, and I seem to have lost my bus keys." Wenger was appalled.

And then what happened? Wenger spent the next 14 years clutching his pearls to his chest in shock as other people refused to play "pleasing" football. "Why are others not honouring my commitment and idealism?" he cried! "Why is what I did for 3 titles in 8 years now being undermined by pragmatism?" he wailed as his teams looked ridiculous and his player recruitment became the stuff of comedy legend.

Suddenly, as the glorious "high defensive line" started guaranteeing an annual tilt for the FOURTH PLACE TROPHY, excuses about Ashburton Grove, our supposed saviour in the high-stakes world of global football, became a foxhole into which Kranky and Wenger would hide. "We cannot compete financially, we are a poor club" sayeth the excuse makers. But Wenger, who is not only a purist but a puritan, refused to manage the club like any manager who managed a poor club did; PRAGMATICALLYISTCALLY SPEAKING, he wanted beautiful football, but wanted to coax it from clods and castoffs.

Ashburton Mongoplex drove a fissure in the fanbase initially because it simply wasn't Highbury. Then it created a fracture in the fanbase by excusing Wenger's utter tactical ineptitude by creating the AKB vs WOB scism. "He can't buy good players because of the stadium!" cried the AKBs! "The man is intractable and myopic!" bellowed the WOBs! And all the while, the Mongoplex stood, silent, immutable, unchanging.

A.E. Housman penned the lines "And while the world has still much good but much less good than ill, I'd face it as a wise man would, and train for ill and not for good." One of the greatest poems of our time, it could be rewritten as "Arsene, this is stupid stuff" every time Wenger was undone by such extremely simple tactics as not to be believed. Look at all the times Wenger sides were bested by managers thought to be the dimmest of bulbs, by clubs with budgets that were mere fractions of the Arsenal's. It's embarrassing. No, really. It is. AKBs continued to wail that those results were ACTUALLY the fault of the Mongoplex. The Mongoplex became Wenger's shield and security blanket. "No manager could have moved the club to the Grove and kept Arsenal in the Champions League!" they hysterically shouted for nearly a decade. Really? REALLY? NO manager, anywhere, not a one? "Raymond, I believe you are having a joke on me."

I know that Stanley Kranky is shit--this is fact. The Glazer family took 860-ish million quid out of MUFC, too. What is your point? It doesn't excuse what I like to call THE GLORIOUS TACTICAL INFLEXIBILITY OF ARSENE WENGER. The AKBs would go through such mental contortions to excuse Wenger's failings that their thoughts could join a Chinese acrobatics troupe. And still, the stadium stood there as Wenger's sentry, excusing every flaw.

So we have reached the end of the road at the Ashburton Huge-o-blob for the man who gave Arsenal three league titles in 22 years, no European silverware, and the high defensive line. Oh, and Captain William Gallas. Frank McLintock would be so proud. I will not weep today.

"Nobody ever says thank you," warned the greatest football manager I've ever known, and like Wenger, that man also sat in his seat too long. That man also oversaw a stadium "improvement" that shackled his club with debt. No one would say that Brian Clough didn't stay far past the time that he should have at Forest. I would hope they'd also have no trouble saying the same of Wenger, and saying it with honesty, and saying it without sentimentality. "Wenger manages at Grove for last time"--that should be the only headline.

"For too long you have sat here"

So it has happened.

The only leader that most of the "come-lately" fans have ever known at the Arsenal Football Club shall step down at the end of the season.

22 years as manager, a time in which the role of the "traditional gaffer" has radically changed, the last five of which I have loudly (though mostly unheard) called for his dismissal from that post. Unlike almost all American Arsenal supporters, I started following the club before Wenger arrived. My slavish devotion to the red and white, to "High and I," was not simply about Wenger. It was never a cult of the man for me, it was and remains the cult of the club. Of North London, of players like Alex James and Charlie George and our man McLintock and Bob Wilson. No, I'm not old enough to have watched Alex James play, although at times I feel as though I am.

My loyalty being to Arsenal, and not one man, has often set me at odds with those who have never known another manager. I respect and understand that from their side. Fear of the unknown, or clinging to a glorious past, happens in petty dictatorships as it always has. Yes, Wenger became no better than a banana republic generalissimo, telling people about record harvests, chickens in every pot, conspiracies against his glorious reign, and "Remain calm, all is well, spirit, quality, determination, and a little bit handbrake." Our friends in North Korea know what I mean.

Did Arsene Wenger win 3 league titles in 22 years? He did.

Did Arsene Wenger win 7 FA Cups in 22 years? He did.

Did Arsene Wenger manage the club during a time when "sugar daddy" owners (you know, ones not named Jack Walker) made football clubs their personal playtoys? He did.

Did Arsene Wenger manage the club as it moved from Highbury to Ashburton Grove? He did.

Were Arsene Wenger's teams set out to play a style of football that reflected his spending budget given to him by his parsimonious billionaire owner? No.

Did Arsene Wenger's tactics often reflect those of a man who, instead of drilling his charges to win no matter what, would instead draw a picture of a wolf on the whiteboard? You can decide that for yourself.

This parade went on for far too long.

I celebrate the good, I rail against the bad, I see the man in full. Thank you for the three league titles in 22 years. You stayed too long. Stanley Krankey is shit. God speed.

4 for the future

The balloon remains full today after the "famous victory" over the reigning champions at their place. Just a few thoughts about 4 players who were so important on Sunday.

1. Ospina

So I have a theory about Ospina and his purchase and arrival at the Arsenal. And it's that Wenger bought him knowing that Szcz is immature.

I don't think Ospina was bought to "just be cover." He was a solid, established no. 1 for club and country and I just can't see his agent and him agreeing to a move to Arsenal so that he could sit and play cup matches. I think that Wenger knew that Szcz was always going to do something immature and foolish and he wanted a reliable no. 1 to step in.

Smoking in the boys room, really?

Having watched Ospina play for his country quite a bit, being the lynchpin of a Colombian side that really tore through CONMEBOL prior to last year's World Cup Finals, I knew of him. I thought he was an excellent shot stopper but not that great at claiming crosses. At "only" 6 foot tall he has always had a perceived liability in the air and different to most of Wenger's preferred keepers. But he is quite athletic and also quite different to Szcz in that his confidence is much more quiet and calm.

My theory, conspiratorial obviously, is that Ospina was always going to be the new Arsenal no. 1. Wenger didn't want to just demote Szcz but I think he always knew that a moment would--would, not could--come when he would have to deal with the player's immaturity.

Is Szcz done at Arsenal? I don't know. Ospina is only 26. It's not like he's an old man. And keepers, as you well know, are an odd lot. No "first team" keeper is happy being a backup. Being a reserve keeper is a profession just like being a plumber or a carpenter. You have to dedicate yourself to it and accept that it's not ever going to be any different. I can't see Ospina playing that role.

2. Hector Bellerin

In my nitrous-fueled postmatch delirium Sunday, I compared the little Spaniard to Nigel Winterburn. Ok, ok, calm down now.

But I don't think that comparison is that far off in terms of what I've seen from Bellerin. The best thing I can say about him? He's obviously a professional fullback. He doesn't offer the thrust going forward that others might and do we even know if he's a good crosser of the ball?  Not sure.

But my Buddha, did he not put in a heroic shift against Citeh? He was everywhere. His nullification of the Blues' left flank was absolutely stunning. He plays so much bigger than his frame suggests. I actually used to worry about him being bullied but the way he ran the rule over James Milner was as great as any I've ever seen a player turn in wearing the cannon crest.

The reason I compare him to Winterburn--who is my favourite Arsenal player ever--is that his industry (to me anyway) outstrips what you think he might do, and his toughness and willingness to get stuck in and run his hole off just bring our old number 3 to mind. Unfair comparison? I don't think so. I know he's young and he'll have his ups and downs but I would make him right back and leave him there.

3. Santi Cazorla

"Pulling the strings" is the phrase I keep reading about what Santi did on Sunday. All I want to say is that it was so much more than that. It's...his joy.

He loves playing football. He just seems to love it so much that it infects the other players. He's the perfect marriage of desire and ability that you want in a footballer. He does every single thing with an abandon and happiness that you so rarely see from millionaire jerkoff knobhead footballers anymore.

I love when he walks over to one of the other players and says "Ok ok" in that way that he has, that way that seems to both calm everyone and reassure them. I never worry about anything when Santi has the ball at his feet. Remember in his first season when he did the famous "1-2" with himself? He's magical.

I hate to say that because I know it's not fair to him, but I really, really believe that the team is so much better with him in it, again not just because of his talent but because the other players feed off his positive attitude. And if there's one thing that Arsenal currently always need, it's positivity.

4. Le Coq

Much has been written in the past 2 days about the amazing display that Le Coq put in versus MCFC, and much of it has been said in a tone of astonishment. And I don't understand that.

Before that fucking stupid smelly maggot-infested cunt Ramires stamped on him, Le Coq was starting to establish himself as a tough, mobile, necessary defensive mid. That moment made me so angry.

Coquelin had 2 seasons of football stolen from him in that moment. Every Gooner I know was very excited about him before then.

I think the lad is the answer. I'm sorry, I do. I don't think you need to run out and splash 30 million quid on someone (Schneiderlin?) in transfer fees and massive wages when you have someone who has the positional awareness and toughness that Le Coq has.  He disrupted Citeh's intentions time and time again on Sunday and actually he's been doing that and actually he did that before he was injured against Chelsea.

The thing I always say about players is "Do you have the capacity for what is needed?" Not that you'll always be 100%, but can you do the job when required.

I think Arsenal have accidentally stumbled into these four players who have that capacity. I really like all four of them. They're not flash. They're much more graft than glamour. And I like that. I really really want that in my Arsenal teams.

Think about it--were it not for injuries or happenstance, Arsenal might not have Ospina in goal, Le Coq in front of the defence, Bellerin on the right, and Santi as the ostensible number 10. I almost feel like Sunday was the happiest accident that ever happened to Arsenal.

For all his massive talent, PV4 was known as a hard worker. Dixon, Winterburn, Adams, Keown, Bouldy, Petit, Parlour, DB10, TH14, Lauren, Gilberto Silva--every one of them had a reputation as a tough-minded and hard working player.

Arsenal have been through some tough times in recent years with players who didn't always put in the required shift. But these four seem to bring exactly that.

I think of all the wonderful things about Sunday that I enjoyed, it was that effort and hard work that I loved the most. It reminded me of when I first started following the club. More, please.

2nd.Best.Day.Ever.

My best day ever as an Arsenal supporter was and always will be the day that Arsenal won the league at Old Trafford in 2002. Sat in a pub in Amsterdam, the only Gooner in the place, leaping out of my chair like a madman when Wiltord and Ljungberg conspired to score "that goal," suddenly looking around at all the shaved heads around me and convinced I would be knifed at any second--it is perhaps the greatest moment in my life as a fan of sport. And how could it not be?

Arsenal had been pipped for the title for 3 consecutive years by United and the narrative was that they were bottlers who played fancy football but came up empty. And at that moment, all the pain of losing the title, losing to the Scouse cunnys in the FA Cup due to their cheating us, losing to Valencia on that John Carew header when the damn big cup should have been ours--it all melted away.

"The simple fact is, Manchester United have to score twice to stop Arsenal taking the title."
What a moment it was.

Watch it. Just watch that glorious moment when Freddie stings the palms of Barthez and Wiltord is there to pounce. You may not have even been following Arsenal at that time but just like Alan Sunderland's goal or Charlie George, you get to share in it if you love the Arsenal.

Charlie George--Everybody deserves a Charlie George moment in his or her life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm_KEbd4rEY

Alan Sunderland--the divine afro! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYXKwBy4_Fg

I've been following the Arsenal Football Club since 1996. It has been 19 years of ups and downs, highs and lows. I don't know of too many Yanks who have been with them that long. And of late, I've been so unhappy with things that I've turned openly rebellious against the gaffer and the "majority shareholder." I've missed the cigar-smoking presence of PHW and the smug grin of David Dein. I've just wished that PV4 would stride onto the pitch and kick the shite out of someone for old time's sake.

I have accrued some amazing memories. Marc Overmars. Tony Adams. Nigel Winterburn. DB10. TH14. "It's only Ray Parlour."

"He gave Ryan Giggs the ball. And Arsenal won fuck all!" I was there for that one.

Freddie's goal against Chelsea in the 2002 FA Cup Final.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcE2RCKXK7I

Or maybe this one--remember our old pal Marty Keown? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1dfphE6jOs Or look at PV4 and Keane? Seen it? Remember it? Edu talking shit to Crissie Ronaldo? What a moment. What an incredible moment to be a fan of a football club. I'll never forget it ever.

PV4's spot kick in 2005. I was there for it all.

Well I want to say something now that I've established my credentials.

Today was my second favourite day ever as an Arsenal supporter. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget the moment that Nacho was awarded a penalty from "the old enemy" ref. I'll never forget Alexis winning that free kick and OG's header. I'll never forget the incredibly brave performance of five players:
Hector Bellerin
Per Mertesacker
Koz
Nacho
Le Coq

I don't even know what to say at this moment. I was like a madman after the match. I was yelling and screaming and talking so loud that I forget everything. I didn't know where I was or what I was doing.

All I could see was Bellerin charging around like a little terrier, like a Spanish Nigel Winterburn. Or Per and Koz doing such heroic work when they both seemed completely about to go arse over tit. Or Nacho going to Ospina and saying "Lo siento" when he accidentally intercepted a ball and jacked it completely over the goal. Or Le Coq looking like that boy we remember from before "THE WORST GUY EVER" stamped on him and essentially stole 2 years of his career.

Christ on a cross wasn't Coq amazing? He...just never, ever fucking stopped. He was everywhere. He never put a foot wrong.

Aaron Ramsey was the beautiful midfield general we love. Santi Cazorla was--well, he was special. And Alexis? My god. That man can play some football, eh?

I got to tell my future mum-in-law to shove it today. Not bad.

I'll say nothing churlish about this game's implications for the rest of the season. All I want to say is--

In the nearly 20 years I've been following the Arsenal, this is my second favourite day ever. Ever. They stood up. Even with a makeshift back 5 (six if you count Le Coq), they kept a clean sheet. They fought. They were clean. They were organised. They were tight.

They stopped Aguero and Silva and Jovetic and Dzeko (all players that I have sincerely coveted for wearing an Arsenal shirt over the past few years). They stopped them stone fucking cold.

What a beautiful day. What a great day to be an Arsenal supporter. I am so happy I feel like I might burst or just float away.

2-nil to the Arsenal. What a wonderful thing.

Arsene Wenger: The Cuntabulous Cuntologist Who Has Cunted Up Every Cunting Thing On Earth

I write this missive at 02:39 in the blessed morning from the United States of America whilst watching "La Nozze di Figaro." By choice? Eh. I suppose.

I am in love with a girl from Manchester whose mother is a Citeh supporter.

How do you suppose THAT feels?

I'm sick of Arsene Wenger. I'm just fucking tired of him and his act. Why am I writing that now? Because I'm watching a Mozart opera and it's just pissing me the fuck off because Mozart was a genius who became a cunt.

Genius? Sure. Cunt? Undeniably.

Fuck you, Wenger. Fuck you for not buying the players the club needs. Fuck you and your shite tactics. Fuck you for your massive, unending, all-encompassing ego. Christ, fuck you, really.

Why have you not bought a defender?

"Well we are looking for a player but he must be the right player at the right price and must be exactly correctly suited for playing within our system and he must be super super quality and he must be technically sound but he must be the right player because so many teams are in the market and it is not easy and I am a genius and spirit quality determination a little bit handbrake and I thought we were a little bit jaded and I did not see it and this is FIFA/Uefa's fault and we will appeal the suspension and perhaps you know more than I know but I have been managing since before I was born and..."

Christ would you shut the fuck up and get the fucking job done?

My future mother-in-law is going to give me so much shit on Sunday.

Because Mozart Wenger, the genius, has morphed into a cunt. A big stupid ego-driven cunt who can't do anything because he's obsessed with himself and won't change or be even the least bit flexible.

Who here actually thought that Wenger was going to do something different? I hope nobody. Because if you did, I have an e-mail from a Nigerian prince that I'd like to forward to you.

"Dear Friend, I am a football manager in England and I promise you that I will properly manage the Arsenal Football Club's transfer business if you will simply forward me three diminutive attacking midfielders..."

I'm so sick of it.

Cunt off to France and stop cunting up my football club!

Men in Yellow n Blue

I heard an interview recently with Josh Brolin where he answered the question "How exactly does one develop a Tommy Lee Jones impression?"

"You pick something about him, that's what you do."

Like one thing, you pick it and you decide how that will influence your impression.

What one thing has Arsene Wenger picked about great footballing sides and decided to have his imitate?

What's that you say, Mr. Know it all Yank stats blogger man who bores us all to death at 7am? That Wenger is a true genius who completely transformed football by not copying any successful manager who came before him?

Hmm.

Well maybe not.

Is there one thing about this Arsenal side that stands out to you? What is the signature aspect of this side? I mean, apart from injuries, obviously.

Tiki taka? Pfft. Come on. This team gives away possession of the ball like an ugly drunken uni girl gives away her naughty bits.

So what is it? What is this team about? What is that "one thing?" Go on. The only thing you can pinpoint is Al Sanchez being great. Thank effing Christ.

I always thought, or hoped, that any manager who aspires to be truly great would not mind stealing from his predecessors.  A style. A tick. One thing that connected his side to another great one.

Robbie Mustoe, footballing expert, summed up this current incarnation of the Arsenal today in one sentence: "They tried to hang on and see out the victory but they're just not built to do that."

Indeed they are not. Even against a side down to 10 men, they are not. This is the same side that drew at Leicester. They're simply not that good. And by "that good" I mean able to protect a lead.

Perhaps the characteristic that Wenger has copied from some other manager is frailty.

I fear that 10 years into the future people will describe this time as "the declining Wenger years." You know. It's all gone to shit, and you'll be able to pinpoint that time where your club went from challenging for the title to challenging for barely finishing above Spurs.

It didn't have to be like this. Silent Stan and Futile Wenger could have made this better. More's the pity, eh?

PV4

The first Arsenal player whose name I knew was Ian Wright. "Wright8Gooner" was a username some bloke chose for the first Arsenal message board (yes those existed) back in the good old days, such was the power of his influence. I learned the "Ian Wright Wright Wright" song back in the 90's. (There was such a decade.)

The second was Patrick Vieira.

I won't draw this out. I just want to say that while I certainly appreciate the contributions and greatness of Thierry Henry to the success that Arsenal had, it has to be noted that before last season Wenger's Arsenal never won a trophy without Patrick Vieira.

I know that many many people who currently call themselves Arsenal supporters in the USA never saw PV4 play in an Arsenal shirt and thus have no real connection to him.

I also know that many many people in England who call themselves Arsenal supporters grew quite weary of Vieira's annual dalliance with a "bigger club" and hold both that and his current allegiance to MCFC against him.

To me, Vieira was the engine that drove the team forward, and even during Tony Adams' final years it was PV4 who was the real leader.

He had an amazing ability to break up an opposition attack and start Arsenal moving the opposite direction. He could control a match from deep in his own half. He was combative and sometimes ill-tempered.

But one thing about him--when he was on the pitch, the opposition rarely thought they could get away with anything. He had little tolerance for opposing players kicking his teammates.

All the love for Henry is deserved and I certainly have no small amount of affection for him, but when it comes to trophies at Arsenal, Vieira has to be ranked as the greatest player of the Wenger era and it isn't even really up for debate. PV4 was the most crucial piece to the puzzle.

The only constants in Wenger's "glory years" were Vieira and Bergkamp. The keeper, the back four, the midfield, and the strike force all changed from the 98 double winners to the 2005 FA Cup, but Vieira was always there. He's the one player Wenger has never managed to replace and don't give me that little homesick Catalan boy as your example. Vieira was a towering, intimidating presence.

Best player? Maybe it's someone else. Most important player? The numbers say it was Vieira.

Absolutely nothing

Before the shattering events of the Tet Offensive, United States General William Westmoreland famously stated that the USA had "turned a corner" in Vietnam.

D'oh!!!

It's been an interesting two weeks on planet Arsenal. A whipping at the hands of "the old enemy" in the Potteries followed by the glory of a dead rubber in Turkey and a training ground exercise against Newcastle, and lastly the most benevolent CL draw in years. What to make of it all?

Absolutely nothing.

But first, a public service announcement:

To the Rational Stats Blogger Yank--I think, maybe, you're having a bit of trouble seeing and hearing because of the location of your head. You may want to remove it from Wenger's rectum at some point because I fear you may be suffocated.

According to the establishment bloggers, it's wrong to barrack Wenger ever, because more than a decade ago he ended a run of 3 league titles in seven years. This means he can't be yelled at. This also means that when he is yelled at. we're supposed to remember that "nobody else could have done what he did when the club moved grounds."

NOBODY! DO YE HEAR ME?  NOBODY EVER ANYWHERE COULD HAVE GUIDED ARSENAL TO WHERE THEY FINISHED OVER THE PAST DECADE! 

I certainly never tire of that old saw.  No, it never gets old that these establishment bloggers have a magical window into every possible scenario where another manager is in charge of Arsenal and fails to finish fourth. I wish I had one of those, I'd use it for betting on horses instead of telling people that Arsene Wenger is infallible.

Now back to the actual blog.

Let's recap: In Istanbul. Podolski scored but it's meaningless because the match was meaningless, except for those who use it to say that Wenger is a great manager, but they say that Poldi sucks. So I can't sort it--when we talk about a player that isn't one of Wenger's pets, we must say that the match was meaningless. But when we talk about Wenger, must say it proves he's a masterful leader.

George Orwell loves you, bitches! #doublethink4Life

Then an oddly subdued Newcastle United, led by a strangely complimentary Alain Pardeux, fall at the first hurdle to an Arsenal driven by Olivier Giroud--which again proves that Wenger is a genius and anyone who hooted at him at the train in Stoke is a cunt. Right? That's what I've heard, anyway.

I was surprised by the Newcastle match, except that I wasn't. The establishment bloggers will tell you that it means something, that it's significant, that this is Wenger at his best, that all is well, and that you should remain calm and drink this fruit-flavoured red drink they're handing you.

They'll tell you that Giroud is amazing, they'll tell you to ignore the points haul and the results against teams like Leicester and Stoke and Spuds and Swansea. I have a bit of a problem with that.

If there's one thing you can discern from the last three Arsenal matches, it's that you can't discern anything. It is meaningless. When Arsenal went 3-0 up against the Magpies, I said "I bet Newcastle score now." And of course they did. It wasn't a moment of individual brilliance or tactical awareness, it was sloppy defending and a schoolboy error that gave them their toehold back in the match.

Am I being churlish? It depends on how you view things, I suppose. If you think Wenger is perfect and above reproach, you probably think I am. If you write 2000 words telling supporters why he should never, ever, ever be criticised, then I'm sure you think I am. 

The truth is that under Wenger, every match is a coin flip. They can drop 2 points to the worst team in the league or deliver a stylish beatdown to the team that saved the Invincibles. They can be humiliated by a side that lost at home to Burnley, or "bravely" draw with the MCFC billionaires.

So attempting to infer anything, or use any result as a reason to say that Arsenal have "turned a corner," is meaningless. And that is exactly why I'm over Wenger as the gaffer. A decent manager would have this side fighting each and every week for every possible point. Arsenal don't do that. So Arsenal don't have a decent manager anymore.

Fucking Leicester City, people!!!!

As for the Champions League draw, we are collectively somewhat relieved that it wasn't...insert name of better team managed by a competent manager here, convinced that this too has meaning.

Think about that for a moment--our manager is so shit that we actively hoped we wouldn't face a "better" club. But when you're dominated by Stoke and humbled by Leicester and Hull, what exactly is a better club? Anderlicht? I mean it. Why exactly were you hopeful that it was Monaco?

Because you have been conditioned to believe that Arsenal don't stand a chance against "big" clubs. You suffer from the doublethink--Arsenal are a big club that can sign players like Ozil and Sanchez, but Arsenal need to hide from Bayern and Madrid.

Proud of yourselves?

You fear that no matter which of the powerhouse clubs Arsenal may have faced, they would have been destroyed in the first leg because of the manager's inability to set the team out in a manner that would give them a chance to win.

You fear that. Imagine how the players feel!

So who knows how the tie with the principality will go? Nobody. Not you, not myself, and not the establishment bloggers with their magic windows. If Arsenal can stick 4 past the side that vanquished Chelsea, they can just as easily play like shit against Swansea or Hull or Leicester.

That's why this week means absolutely nothing. Come on you Gunners.

Train booing

When I first started writing about Arsenal, the club and the manager were only a few years removed from an unbeaten season followed by an FA Cup. Despite my frustrations with players like Denilson and Adebayor, and despite my reservations about Wenger's transfer policy, and despite the impact of the move to the Grove, I was largely positive. 

I actually enjoyed writing about Arsenal. There was the fair share of heartbreak and of course there was the horrible 2008-2009 team along the way, but my feelings were largely positive. Sadly, those days are gone.

I used to get so upset when Arsenal lost that I wouldn't want to watch anything else related to sport for days. I'd be a bit melancholic and say "meh" to everything else. 

Now it's the opposite. Arsenal lose and I say "meh" and go on to everything else in sport. I can't even understand the people who took the time to go hoot at Wenger as he got on the train. Every time you do that, he'll just deepen his resolve to buy some injured bloke you've never heard of in January just to piss you off more.

Thank you, Arsene and Stan. You've killed my spirit. You've removed my passion for Arsenal. I no longer am upset when Arsenal lose. Lose? Whatever. Ok then. 

And not just lose, but lose in a disappointing, dispiriting fashion. Capitulate. Play poorly. Make stupid, senseless errors that ought to have been eliminated years ago. 

And not just play poor, stupid football, but also fail to employ tactics that could at least give the side a chance in difficult matches. 

And not just play poor, stupid football and fail to employ the proper tactics, but completely ignore the team's pressing needs during multiple transfer windows. 

Yeah, that stuff doesn't bother me anymore. It really doesn't. I just shrug my shoulders and walk away. 

I shrug my shoulders at the following, too.

So far this season, the following managers have taken league points off Arsene Wenger:

Roberto Martinez

Nigel Pearson
Manuel Pellegrini

Mauricio Pochettino

Jose Mourinho

Steve Bruce

Garry Monk

Louis van Gaal
Mark Hughes

Nigel Pearson, whose team sit bottom of the league and have managed only 10 points from 15 fixtures, took a point off Arsene Wenger. Garry Monk, who has been managing for less than a year, took the full 3 off Wenger. Steve Bruce, whose side have managed 13 points all season, took a point off Arsene Wenger at Ashburton Grove. Mark Hughes, who lost to relegation fodder Burnley AT HOME, took the full 3 points off Arsene Wenger. 

Now, I ask you, when you read the preceding paragraph, how do you feel? 

Do you blame the gods? Do you blame the referees? Do you blame yourself? 

You may, and by all means, go ahead and do so. I know the famous Irish blogger always says "we" when he could easily say "Arsene Fucking Wenger" but then again, he's paid by the club so I suppose he has no choice. I don't say "we" didn't buy the right players, nor do I say "we" set the team out with fuck all tactics. 

Arsenal are no longer the football club I began following in 1996. Arsenal are now an Arsene Wenger vanity project. That project, by the way, is failing. 

I never thought I'd see the club I love held hostage to the ego and intransigence of one person, and that situation made possible by one other person. You don't need a doctorate in business to know how Silent Stan Cranky operates. He could give two severed rat testicles about Arsenal winning a trophy, but that might take away from his son's millions he's being paid for "consulting services."

Maybe those services involve elaborate powerpoint presentations on "how to sell players and not replace them," or "the tactical genius of the high defensive line." I don't really know. But based on the results, i.e. losing to Garry Monk and drawing with Leicester City's Nigel Pearson, I'd say FUCK YOU STAN CRANKY AND FUCK YOUR SON AND FUCK YOUR CONSULTING SERVICES UP THE FUCKING ARSEHOLE. 

But hey, that's just me. I could be wrong.

The point is, I just don't give a toss about Arsenal anymore. Lost to Stoke by surrendering three goals? Oh well. That's that. Drawn with the absolute worst team in the league? Meh. Ok. So what? 

Thanks, Arsene and Stan. You've killed my joy for this club. Maybe the two of you can go build a Walmart shopping centre somewhere when this is all over, you fucking cunts.

He did it his way

What do I take away from a rare Arsenal victory?

That BvB are worse than Anderlicht, Hull, Leicester, Swansea, MUFC, Tottnumb, and Man City, I suppose.

That one goal from an offside position after 19 games for Arsenal "justifies" Wenger's faith in (Wake me up!) Yaya Sanogo, I guess.

That every stupid stubborn thing that Wenger has done so far is suddenly forgotten and forgiven and this "proves he knew what he was doing all along," or so I have read from the establishment bloggers.

When Arsenal have been playing such shit embarrassing football for months I think this crumb that fell from Europe's table ought to be taken in context. And let me tell you, I celebrated yesterday and enjoyed the goals and I particularly enjoyed Damien Emiliano Viviano Martinez's performance. Let's hope it's an omen. (Sorrynotsorry)

Watching a rather pedestrian Dortmund playing in a match that their gaffer called a "holiday" as his club currently sit 3 places off the bottom of the table, I couldn't help but wonder where this version of Arsenal has been most of the season.

There was little of the incessant sideways passing across the 18 yard box yesterday. Arsenal scored a lightning fast counterattacking goal. And there was very little "let's push our defensive line up to our opponent's goalmouth." It actually seemed as though some thought had been given to defending and holding a lead! Help me up!

But I hope that everyone who was rightly critical of Maryanne Felatio's offside position Saturday will turn right around and dismiss Bambi on rollerskates' goal yesterday. He was offside.  But the linesman chose to see it differently and suddenly Wenger is justified in selecting him, so all is well.

Have we finally gotten to the point again where ugly results and a miserable start to the season have FORCED Wenger to (gasp!) change the team's approach?  Shocking and hard to believe, I know. Because Wenger has demonstrated time and again that he won't change until the wolves are not even at the door but have come in, raided the fridge, and are watching "Wolvesy Manor" on the BBC.

If you ask Wenger if he changed his pants he'd probably say "I can promise you these pants will come good, why change them?" That's just the kind of fellow he is.

The run in at the end of the 2013 season was supposed to signal a new, pragmatic Wenger. Oh well. The FA Cup final victory was supposed to usher in a new era of prosperity. Oh well.

Instead we have been treated to a steady diet of the high defensive line, devil-may-care defending, and a general inability to retain the ball when needed. It's all so predictable. And one victory over a club that knew it already has (for the most part) won its champions league group proves nothing if not built upon.

This is what Wenger keeps doing. Something ridiculous and horrible will happen, then he'll make some sort of change, then everyone will predict that this really signifies something, then he'll revert to type as a giant "fuck you" to anyone who is critical of him. Tell me it isn't true.

What SHOULD happen is that Arsenal should spend from now until January (when we all know that of course Wenger and his buddy Silent Stan will splash millions to shore up the defence) playing a different style of football. The reason is that if you go by league points, what Wenger has done so far has simply and spectacularly failed. This is as horrible as the 11 from 33 run last season that killed the chance at a title.

But Mr. Wenger will not do that, I predict. I think he will revert to type, Arsenal will be found out, and nothing will change.

Arsene, I'm begging you, please prove me wrong!

But for one crocked frog...

This is not the "Isn't life wonderful at Arsenal!!!!" blog.

It is not the "Arsene Wenger has turned things around this time!" blog.

It is not the "This result means that we don't need more defenders or a defensive mid and Wenger knows and everything is fine!" blog.

If you choose to read something called "The Existential Arsenalist," you should probably NOT expect to hear how suddenly the dead body of Ethel Merman has been dug up and is running around Ashburton Grove bleating "Everything's coming up roses!!!!!"

Do you know why I think that "Force 10 from Navarone" is a perfect film?  It's because after the climax of the action, when the glorious band of misfits manages to destroy a dam that destroys a bridge that saves the Yugoslavs from the Germans, Robert Shaw does what is NEVER done in this type of film: He points out to his cohorts just why that, although they have accomplished this mission, they are faced with massive challenges.

So here I am, as Robert Shaw's Mallory, to tell you 3 reasons why we cannot start awarding ourselves our Victoria Crosses and our Medals of Honour simply because we beat that bloody team that we couldn't 14 years ago.

1) This club is managed by the same manager who chose to play Sanchez 90 minutes in a meaningless Milk Cup match, then refused to start him in the North London Derby while also starting the club's record signing out of position after watching him play the key role in a destruction of Aston Villa.

2) There is nothing about this match that has anything to do with the upcoming bloodletting that Arsenal face against the chavs--but it probably will tell Wenger that he should come out with a gung-ho style that will result in a 9-0 thrashing that Mourinho will use to come up with some new voyeur/specialist in failure crack.

If I know Wenger, he will have Per and Kos playing so high up the pitch that they're actually advanced beyond Flamini and the fullbacks at the opposing end line.  I'm sure Twatbag Homesick Boy won't score a hat trick against his old club.

3) Who here thinks that Danny Welbeck would be at Arsenal but for one crocked frog?

Those of you who love to rewrite history and tell us how perfect Wenger is and how he's never made a mistake can put down your hands, now. You simply look silly.

If you weren't paying attention, Giroud got a contract extension this week. It was one of those "What the bleep are you thinking, Wenger?" moments that seem to come every week now.

Giroud is 28, has a broken ankle, and is a big plodding donkey man that has clogged up the arteries of the Arsenal attack for two years while people on the club's PR payroll have spun tales of how fantastic he is.  He has taken 3 seasons to score 28 league goals before his injury.

Giroud has nothing to do with this team--I mean, "this" team. I mean the team that ran all over Villa and those mad flare-tossing Turks, nor the team that came out flaccid against THFC or Leicester.

Why would Giroud get a contract extension to keep him at the club until 2018 when Arsenal apparently don't even have enough funds to sign a reserve defender? 

Before Danny Welbeck arrived, all I heard from those who defend Wenger at all costs was that Arsenal simply couldn't play without Giroud. Giroud, they said, was the key to all things. Giroud made every play possible, there was no Arsenal attack without his "hold up play" and his "clever flicks and kicks."

Funny, I didn't see any of that yesterday, and yet Arsenal managed to stick 4 past Galatasaray.

Can you imagine what Arsenal's attack would have looked like yesterday without Danny Welbeck's "all action" style? 

Let's try this one--can you imagine what Sanogo (who was starting matches for Arsenal a few weeks ago, have you forgotten that?) might have done with the chances that Welbeck was presented?

Then remind yourself again--were it not for one crocked frog, Welbeck wouldn't even be at Arsenal. That would have been Giroud doing his go to the spot and stand there play, or maybe Sanogo doing that....whatever it is he does other than scoring goals.

So before you're convinced that this is the turning point, and that Wenger has it sorted, and that Chelsea won't find a team set up to play the world's highest defensive line, remember these things.

And then please also remember that Giroud is at Arsenal for four more years. "Zat Guy!"

How much longer?

"Today, Mesut, you will start on zee left."

And thus began yet another draw.

A draw at home, against a side that the most famous Arsenal-sponsored blogger on the planet Earth called "a bag of festering shit." I'm not sure that saying that was necessary.

Mostly because the Bag of Festering Shit Society of the United Kingdom has now lodged a complaint for libel, slander, and "defecation of character." (See what I did there?)

What can one really say about that hideous and predictable disaster that was the North London Derby's latest renewal?

"Hey Arsene, you really didn't cover yourself in glory today!"

"Hey Arsene, you know fuck all about how to deploy the two most expensive players in the club's history!"

"Hey Stan, you miserly old cunt who thinks of the club as nothing more than a 'property' and a 'brand,' why don't you go have sex with the world's angriest bull elephant? You know, like a bull elephant who just broke up with his long time girlfriend and is really looking to just shove his elephant penis up the hole of some penny-penching old fuckwit who would rather steal 3 million quid from Arsenal than buy TWO FUCKING PLAYERS WHO MAY HAVE PREVENTED THIS SHIT STORM? STAN I HOPE THIS ELEPHANT RIPS YOUR BUTTOCKS COMPLETELY OFF YOUR BODY BY FUCKING YOU SO HARD UP YOUR ASSHOLE THAT, ALTHOUGH YOU WILL SOON DIE, YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE HELL OF BEING A MISERABLE OLD SHIT STAIN THAT GOES AROUND SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF SPORT CLUBS!"

You really could say all those things, you know.  I like all three of them. No, actually I don't like any of them. I hate that I wrote them.

Most of all I hate that Arsenal are "undefeated" and yet sit 6 points behind Chelsea and have scored 8 fewer goals. Six points behind after six matches.

Well done, Stan and Arsene. Fucking brilliant work. You've revolutionised the destruction of a football club. People once got very angry at this type of thing, but thanks to the both of you, Arsenal supporters are just bereft of energy and the will to say or do anything.

We have the invisible money-grubbing "owner" who demands a ticket price rise and then pays his fucking gravy-train worthless little offspring that sum at the same time that the club don't do shit to win a title.

We have the intractable, inscrutable bullshit master Arsene Wenger who is trading on a legacy that is now covered in mold and moss and who hasn't done anything since 2004 to win the league.

Oh and here is where Mister Blowhard Insufferable Yank Stats Man Rational Blogger shows up and writes love letters to Wenger and tells me I don't know what it was like to move to the Grove and he has the statistics to prove that the reason why Wenger can't fucking get his tactics straight is because of the stadium debt.

Well you know what, I'm fucking sick of your incessant bleatings at the feet of the club. Take their fucking paycheques and sod the fuck right off with your kid out to the woods. I don't FUCKING CARE ANYMORE.

Someone please tell me what the fucking "tactics" were from yesterday's match? Please do elucidate. I've been watching football since the 1986 World Cup and whilst I haven't watched as much as the Famous Irish Blogger Who Is In The Club's Pocket, I can tell you I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THE FUCK WENGER WAS UP TO.

I'm going to make this bit short and bitter.

High defensive line? FUCK THIS SHIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT FUCK THE HIGH DEFENSIVE LINE YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS HORRENDOUS PATHETIC "TACTIC" IT'S FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Not starting Sanchez, and starting Ozil on the left? YOU ARE FUCKING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND FUCKING FUCK OFF WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF HAVING THESE TOP PLAYERS IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO YOUR TRADITIONAL "I'M GOING TO PLAY ZEM WHERE I PLEASE AND ZEY HAVE NO REASON TO DISLIKE WHAT I DO AND CERTAINLY YOU PEASANTS THAT THINK YOU MATTER HAVE NO REASON TO EVER QUESTION ME AND WILL i EVER WIN ANOTHER TITLE? SPIRIT, QUALITY, DETERMINATION, A LITTLE BIT SHARPNESS, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."  Fuck off, mate. You won 3 league titles before most people who are following the club now even knew it. Who gives A RAT'S ROTTEN TIT ABOUT WHAT YOU DID IN 1998, DO I CARE THAT KEVIN BLOODY KEEGAN ALMOST WON THE LEAGUE ONCE? FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Done.

Lastly, the Famous Irish Blogger Who Jokes A Lot To Distract People From Arsene Wenger's Utter Shit Management said that Danny Welbeck had "a quiet game overall."

You really expect me to fucking believe that? What fucking match were you watching, "mate?" Must have been the same one that cunt ref was watching, because you don't seem to know fucking shit about what just happened.

Danny Welbeck is a fucking warrior. Danny Welbeck got in Kaboul's face and told him "I knocked you down because you grabbed my arm" and then fucking said "Hey, HEY! YOU GRABBED MY ARM!"

Danny Welbeck was trained by the biggest fucking cunt in English football, and he takes no fucking shit off anyone, and he is the only fucking forward player at the club who fights, runs, and works his fucking arse off for the fucking shirt.

I wish the myopic old manager who thought that Olivier "The Gallic Howler" Giroud was the solution would have demanded Welbeck as part of the RVP deal. He would have saved us from two years of a lumbering lug who is more concerned about fucking some bird in a hotel than RUNNING TO THE FUCKING PENALTY SPOT WHEN IT'S TIME TO TROUBLE THE OPPOSING DEFENCE.

How could ANY sane person look at the shift that Welbeck put in yesterday and call it anything other than brave, heroic, and committed to the cause? Get a fucking life you shit sucking bloggers who are in the pocket of the club. I don't fucking care what you say anymore.

Watch this match again and watch how many times Welbeck ran, ran, ran, ran to either make himself a target or cover for the precious molly-coddled teammates who treated the first half of a fucking derby match as a training exercise.

The boy is a fucking legend already and if you don't start treating him with the respect he deserves, he'll leave like every other decent player this club has had since Wenger's bullshit fucking "project" started.

Alan Sunderland was in the stands yesterday. Make the fucking connection, you cunts. Even Smudger would be hard pressed to displace a player like Welbeck and Danny is only 23 years old.

It was Welbeck who ran to the penalty spot and distracted the defence when Ox scored the equaliser.  So piss the fuck off, "mates."

Leftovers? Fuck you Wenger for not starting Sanchez. What the fuck? Go away.

Fuck you Wenger for employing such predictable tactics that once again the squad surrendered a cheap, predictable goal.

Fuck you Wenger for, one fucking week after the masterclass against Villa when I said "more like this," starting with Ozil on the left. I know why you're doing this. You're doing it because your massive self-serving ego heard Jose Mourinho say that Ozil is the best number 10 in the world and you want to prove that you know more about football than he does even though it may cost Arsenal your fucking precious 4th place trophy.

You miserable old man. What is the fucking point of your stubborn ways anymore?

Even Stan the Miserly Cunt can't take all the blame for what you did yesterday.

How much longer do supporters have to watch this shit?

(Drops mic. Walks off.)

Silent Stan and the "protection of mediocrity"

Why in the name of the Buddha would a man who is allegedly worth a few billion quid steal 3 million more from the Arsenal football club?

THAT is the question.

There's so much here that it's a bit difficult to fathom without going all Swiss Ramble on you. Silent Stan conspired to take almost five million US dollars out of Arsenal at the moment that the club can't even purchase an inanimate carbon rod to back up the defence.

Why?

Let me assure you, all I can think of is greed.

This isn't some black scarf/bin bag rant. I'm simply telling you that if you observe the man's behaviour in relation to his sporting endeavours, he couldn't possibly give a toss about championships.

Ah, you say, what is the purpose of a billionaire owning a football club if the "brand" (christ I hate that term) is devalued by his efforts? Football in England isn't like professional gridiron in the USA--winning creates value.

What are the most valuable "brands" (seriously, kill me) in world football? It sure isn't the team that consistently comes in fourth place and averages 1.75 goals/match. No, they're clubs that win titles.

We've been patting ourselves on the back about Arsenal's "renewed strength" in sponsorships, but then we pretend we don't see that the club who finished seventh in the league last season has millions and millions more to spend because companies want to be associated with them.

Puma and Emirates? That's nice. Try Nike and Chevrolet.  And as for the other world giants, Arsenal don't come close to Real Madrid, Barca, or Bayern. We're lucky that we have a tangible history, unlike Chelsea and Manchester City, so that we can "exist" without their petrol fueled cash.

Take a look at Silent Stan's holdings--he's simply a business man who makes money. He isn't at all concerned with trophies or glory. My guess is, as an astute person who married for money and is simply in the business of making more of it, he looked at the next "growth industry" in sport and selected the most valuable "property" in England into which he could buy.

Lucky us.

He literally married the Walmart lady so that he could develop land around their stores. What a fucking romantic.

Arsenal represented "property" for Stan--both the real estate kind and the entity. And what's more, he got a rabid, loyal group of supporters to whom he could pass along 3% rises in ticket costs and then essentially pay his bloody offspring the difference.

Stealing from the club and not giving a toss about winning the league is one matter.  "The protection of mediocrity" is the other.

Let me tell you that as a Yank I have a bit of perspective on Stan's ownership of the St. Louis Rams NFL team. This is a club that since Stan bought into them has won exactly one championship and has for the most part bumbled along.

He's a real estate agent. Thanks, Lady Nina!

The result of Stan's operation of Arsenal is that he supports what Arsene Wenger calls "protection of mediocrity." An owner who doesn't care one whit about winning trophies ensures that Wenger will stay on board forever.

This is where we are now. Silent Stan, it's all thanks to you.

No fault in our stars

Everyone has an opinion on what was most significant about Arsenal's 3-0 dismissal of Aston Villa. The first league clean sheet of the season? Yeah, I'd go with that.

Aside from Callow Chambers (sorry) near dismissal, the back 4 plus Szcz hardly put a foot wrong in what could've been a dangerous contest. Remember how Villa beat Liverpool (which is starting look less impressive by the day)? An early "smash and grab" counterattacking goal from Gabby Agbonlahor followed by 82 minutes of seat-of-their-trousers defending took the Villains to second in the league.

No such luck yesterday for the claret and blue boys. Arsenal's keeper--the maker of his own bad luck--kept them off the scoresheet early and his defending cohorts stayed a steady course the rest of the way. Gibbs and Chambers played a key role in the Gunners' possession game, whilst Per and Koz did the dull and dirty work of mopping up anything that got past a resurgent midfield.

Considering the cheapness of the goals surrendered this season, and the errors which often caused them, the clean sheet has to be the most important takeaway from this match. I've been very dismayed at the way Arsenal have conceded so far; more concentration and tenacity at the back could've easily garnered the club 4 more points thus far.

Switching off after conceding a free kick or corner has been a serious problem for this team. You can only hope yesterday was a platform off of which more success can be built.

Ah, you see, I have chosen the dull side of football for which to praise my Arsenal. That's the exact opposite of what most supporters would see and most likely what Arsene Wnger values the least, if you judge him by his transfer spending.

Defending is not something that is done by 4 players at the back and a keeper--it's a collective effort by the entire XI. And despite the attempts to falsify the contribution of Olivier Giroud by the Wenger-lovers, yesterday was clear evidence of what the long-term contribution of Danny Welbeck can be.

Giroud was often lauded for his "ability to clear crosses" or some such thing. Yeah, whatever, me neither. His work rate was often such that one was tempted to see if the famous inanimate carbon rod couldn't do a bit more in his place.

I'm going to just come out and say it right now--Wenger molly-coddled Giroud for two seasons and it was seriously grating on my nerves. Whether it was out of a sense of Gallic solidarity or a myopic inability to see him for what he really was, for some reason Wenger stuck with Giroud when even Chuba Akpom started to look like the more effective option.

In two seasons, Giroud probably ran less than Welbeck did yesterday. I can see SAF's dirty fingerprints all over him. He knows no other way to play than 100% effort. Giroud looks like a Peruvian cart mule compared to Welbeck.

Ferguson would never have tolerated the Frenchman's lackadaisical (Laconic? Languid? Some other L word?) style, more than likely switching on the hair dryer after one game and then shipping him back to the French 2nd division after two. Welbeck still plays like he can hear a drunken old Scot screaming in his ear.

Giroud's classic move--to amble to the top of the "D" and then stop--grew to be so frustrating that I would simply scream "What are you stopping for?" at the telly and then it was a race to see whether he or I would end up howling first.

So I have to say, not being forced to watch him at the present time makes Arsenal matches just that little bit more pleasant. Oh, and not having to listen to the pro-Wenger spin merchants tell me about Giroud's so-called greatness (or Sanogo's, for that matter) is also a relief. It certainly must clear their consciences not to have to lie for a few farthings from the club.

Welbeck's efforts yesterday pleased me to no end. Whether he was dropping back to receive the ball whilst his teammates ran forward, forcing himself between defenders in front of goal, or constantly harassing the Villa defence, he was in constant motion.

The goal was simple--what you'd expect of a centre-forward, really. It was the product of working hard enough to put himself in the place where a talented midfielder could get him the ball. He didn't lope to the outer edge of the 18 yard box and stop like a United Nations observer. He went for it and he was rewarded.

The assist, however, was not common. It wasn't even what I'd expect from Welbeck. It combined vision, timing, and ability. What a beauty. Again, you can see the way he was raised in football. If he had missed that pass back at United, SAF would've blasted him with a profane outburst, not a pat on the back and a polite defence in the post-match presser. Iron fist, etc.

One other thing that's now apparent is that if Ozil and Cazorla are to coexist, it means the wee Spaniard is going to have to play on the left. Oz looked like a man reborn yesterday. Shame on him for not playing like that before, but if playing him in the 10 spot is what it takes to unleash that talent, then by all means do it.

As for Santi, it's a shame as he's such a delightful playmaker and creative presence in the middle, but let's be fair, he's no bug-eyed Germanic wizard. His efforts on the left yesterday were crucial and of the two options, it's clear that the only way to get him involved is to play him there and let Ozil do his thing through the middle.

I fairly well destroyed my living room when I saw Ozil run into the clear for Welbeck's pass. That was the 2010 version of a player who has looked a bit bereft recently. His first touch was sublime, and the finish was so simple that I felt bad for my compatriot in the Villa net.

All I really want to say about this match is "More, please." More switched on defence, more Welbeck, more Ozil in the fashion we saw them. More energy, more intelligence, more effort, more simple finishing, more breaking from deep (as opposed to sideways passing around the box).

More like that. Just keep doing it. We'll all be happier if they do.

Switch to southpaw

The sequel is almost always worse than the first. That's some kind of rule that is only really proved by its exceptions: The Godfather Part 2, Rocky II, The Empire Strikes Back, Gremlins 2, Superman 2, The Wrath of Khan...

Each has its iconic moment--Michael kisses Fredo, Darth dares Luke to join him, Brain Gremlin referencing Susan Sontag, Zod telling Superman to kneel, and hell, Kirk screaming "KHAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!"

Today's story, however, is about that moment in Rocky II when Mickey demands that his big dopey stubborn fighter switch back to "southpaw," and how Rocky sits there and says "No tricks, I ain't switchin'!" 

Strategy, it seems, is always a tricky thing.

Mickey decided that Rocky's left-handed fighting style had become too predictable, and too easy to counter. He was a one-pace, one-tactic fighter and Apollo Creed could easily handle him.  A change was required.

Mickey went so far as to tie Rocky's right hand to his side in order to force him to learn to jab with his left. Suddenly, a left-handed fighter who had come so far in that style was now a right-hander, so much so that even the Italian Stallion himself couldn't bear to switch back to his natural style, deriding that as a "trick."

You see where I'm going with this.

For 7 years at Arsenal, M. Wenger achieved remarkable success that was founded on a strong defence and Patrick Vieira. I've never made a secret that I believe that PV4 was the greatest and most important player of Wenger's tenure as manager. That, however, is another story for another day.

Since the self-imposed destruction of the invincibles, Wenger shifted from that foundation--in a sense, he switched from fighting southpaw. He has no defence to speak of, and he certainly has no player comparable to Vieira, and he hasn't since 2008-09.

But beyond just personnel, that switch also includes a style of play, most notably in attack. In boxing, as in tennis, going up against a left-hander may be predictable, but it's also awkward. For the first part of Wenger's tenure at Arsenal, the style seemed to be based much more on quick and devastating attacks that capitalised on the movement and pace of players like Pires, Ljungberg, Henry, Bergkamp, and Vieira.

No player in the history of the Premier League started attacks like Vieira did. I don't care who you throw up in argument against that statement, there isn't one. People often compare Vieira and Roy Keane, which is fair enough, but in style they were completely different. Keane didn't break up an opponent's attack and then drive the ball forward in the same manner.

Vieira wasn't so much a defensive midfileder in the Makelele role as he was an engine for an entire side. He was at his most effective when playing alongside Petit or Gilberto Silva, players who could do the dirty work and impose themselves physically whilst PV4 launched another assault.

This is not to discount his tackling ability or how he could break up play because he was excellent at that, but for those who have come to know Arsenal since his departure, he shouldn't be classified as a "defensive mid."  He was a unique player in that he could defend and then easily start a counter attack from deep that could result in a shot on goal.

But Vieira represented the style of Arsenal back then--first it was the Graham hangover defenders behind him, then Wenger replaced them with 4 new players (more than 4, really, because he actually invested in defenders up until 2005), but no matter if it were Spunky and Tone or Jens and Big Sol, there was a solid structure back there that was fronted by strong mobile central midfielders.

That has to be classified as Wenger's southpaw phase.

But now? Wenger switched to fighting right-handed, with diminutive midfielders--most often five at a time--and a single "target man" up front. This is a style that is compounded by a very narrow attack through the middle, fullbacks who are most often almost standing on the opposition's end line, and centre halves who are positioned so high up the pitch that they are at or beyond the halfway line.

Since the end of the 2012-2013 season, when fate more or less forced him to finally adapt, Wenger sets out his teams to play the same way every minute of every match. Last season this cost Arsenal quite a few points that they surrendered from winning positions. Aston Villa, Swansea, Southamption, Everton--this represents 8 points that could have won Arsenal the league if Wenger had been willing to mix it up a bit.

I can't understand why, with trainer Mickey yelling in his face "Switch back to southpaw," Wenger persists with the same formation and tactics from minute 1 to minute 90+. It's fairly clear that everyone has this sussed. Care to mix it up, Arsene?

"No tricks, I ain't switchin'!"

It's a shame. This sequel (Arsene Knows Part 3) is looking much more like "The Matrix: Convoluted" than any of the ones I listed above. Welcome to Jaws 3D, without the camp Michael Caine to liven things up.

Broken

Not much to say about a performance as abject as Arsenal put in yesterday.

The bigger picture is that the club seem to be in trouble. Each match is punctuated by an injury, which is really unfortunate considering there is essentially no youth programme to call upon for reinforcements.

The question of tactics and the use of the squad ought to be called into question, along with the "inspiration and motivation" that a manager is supposed to provide. Does the formation get the most of the players?  Are the players being deployed in positions that best utilise their abilities?

Does the persistence with a high defensive line from the first minute to the last really give Arsenal the best chance to win? Can Arsenal find a way to widen the attack other than using the fullbacks to essentially abandon their defensive duties?  Is it wise to leave only 3 players to defend counterattacks, especially when two of them are Per Mertesacker and one of Arteta or Flamini?

In some ways, yesterday felt like the culmination of years of poor transfer window policy and misguided tactics, yet in some ways it simply felt like Groundhog Day. Nothing has really changed.

Arsenal have played 4 league matches and three Champions League matches. In seven competitive matches they've scored eight goals and conceded eight. They have no real identity at this point, based on those numbers.

They are neither an exciting, attacking force, nor are they a lock-down defensive machine capable of grinding out results. To be fair, they resemble a mid-table side. A bit boring on both ends of the pitch, neither all sheets to the wind in attack nor biting and bitter in defence.

After the FA Cup final I wrote that I didn't want Wenger to return as manager. I listed three areas--transfer policy, in-game tactics, and inspiration/preparation--where I thought he had failed. Of course that was the primary reason I didn't want him back--I didn't think Arsenal could win the league with him in charge.

My loyalty is to the club and has been since I started following Arsenal, back before I even knew who Wenger was. So my first thought was, it's best for the club if he goes. But at the same time I do appreciate what he did and has done for Arsenal and I didn't want it to come to this.

I didn't want it to come to the point where people are shouting and angry and wishing he'd be fired. What if he had simply left after winning the FA Cup?  A true feel good moment to cap off a legendary career would have been the best way to exit. Many people who had grown weary of him could have forgiven his faults and saluted him.

Instead, now, I'm afraid it can only end one way.  Arsenal are broken right now, and the blame for that can only be placed with Wenger. When even the Irish blogger names him and says it's Wenger's responsibility, you know the situation is dire.

Were this not Arsenal, and there were no such thing as "the Arsenal way," and this hadn't been going on for years, Wenger might well be given his P45 before this crucial stretch of league matches. But this is Arsenal, and that won't happen. Sadly, I'm afraid it won't happen until after this season, which will be a season that will end in disappointment and failure for the club.

At that point, Wenger will probably leave in disgrace when it could've all ended in glory last spring. Shameful, that, for everyone involved.

Europe for Europe's sake

In 2000 I was working for a multi-national company based in Atlanta, Georgia and was lucky enough to have a boss who had lived in England for a while and understood and tolerated my love of Arsenal.

At the time, there was basically one football pub in the entire city that would show live matches--which back then meant paying a hefty satellite subscription price as no USA-based TV networks/sports channels were showing football on a regular basis.  This place, the Brewhouse Cafe in Little 5 Points, was run by an ex-pat Aussie who understood the value of cultivating a loyal client base of football fans.

The 2000 Uefa Cup final was the first Arsenal match I was able to watch live. My boss excused me from the afternoon's work and when I got to the pub there were equal numbers of Turks and Englishmen there, the owner with the good sense to divide the place in half and sent opposing fans to opposite sides.

This was, of course, weeks after two Leeds supporters had been stabbed to death in Istanbul and to say that tensions were running high in the place would be a ridiculous understatement. I sat at the bar and watched the match with a couple of other Yanks who didn't seem to have an allegiance to one side or the other. Having gone straight from work, I wasn't wearing anything to identify me as an Arsenal supporter, so I suppose that's why I wasn't instructed to join them.

My excitement at finally getting to watch my team play live quickly devolved into gut-wrenching tension and ultimately heartbreak. Arsenal simply couldn't score or make anything of any chances, and then in extra time Galatasaray went down to 10 men and the Gunners still couldn't find a way through. Henry and Kanu couldn't beat their keeper, and then came the failure in the penalty shootout.

My mind was fairly reeling at the prospect of being an Arsenal supporter amongst others when the Turks began jumping on the tables and chanting and the English ex-pats trudged out muttering curses under their breath. "So this is Europe," I thought.

Arsenal used to go into these competitions with a legitimate chance to win--and I say "used to" meaning since I began following the club in 1996 and Wenger arrived. The loss to Valencia in the Champions League in 2001 ranks as one of the most painful in my time as an Arsenal supporter, because in all the years that Wenger has been qualifying for the competition, that was the one that seemed set up for the Gunners to go all the way.

Of course the inability to score in the second leg of the quarter final and a late John Carew header meant that Arsenal wouldn't get to face Leeds in the semis or a very average Bayern in the final. Valencia weren't that good, and misfiring Arsenal couldn't capitalise.

A few more years and a few more trips into the latter stages followed, including the miraculous journey to the final in 2006 and the embarrassing semi-final capitulation to MUFC in 2009 (that preceded the infamous Nikky Bendtner "pants out!" night).  Since then, however, the norm has been to simply qualify for the competition, hope for the best, and go out in the round of 16.

I've wondered if Arsenal supporters look at the Champions League the way that most of the clubs in the Premier League look at winning that title--we're here to make up numbers, and being in the top flight is certainly preferable to anything else, but we entertain no illusions about winning the whole thing.

This is one of the reasons I don't really give a toss about Europe any more, other than being able to lord it over THFC that we're there and they're not. Could anyone in his right mind expect Arsenal to win the Champions League this year? Wenger didn't even buy enough defenders to compete domestically, much less slog all the way to winning the big cup.

Qualifying for the Champions League has become an end unto itself, just like "Premier League survival" has for clubs like Stoke City. They know they're not going to hoist the trophy at the end, just as Arsenal supporters surely can't believe that they'll see Arteta lift the big silver cup next spring.

Knowing this, is it possible to even get excited about playing in Europe anymore?  What is the measurement of success for Arsenal?  Has it too been lowered to simply finishing second in the group and losing to a "big club" in the first knockout round?

As finishing fourth in the league has been elevated to trophy status because of nothing more than revenue, getting out of the group stage has been elevated to a trophy for the same reason. As a supporter, am I supposed to cheer fiscal results over match scores?

Europe is a fleeting dream for a club with only 5 fit experienced defenders. Can you write an entire column or blog post about that, and where the club are right now, without saying the name "Arsene Wenger?" The Irish blogger has. What a shame that this is what has happened to our hopes and aspirations for Arsenal.

So here's to another season in Europe's top flight. Pat yourselves on the back, Arsenal. You're now the Stoke City of the continent.