Extenze for your manhood, Extension for your Giroud

A product that you (well, not you, but anyone) can buy for increasing one's male virility, or mass, or girth, or something, is called Extenze. I will not link to it, so if you're so inclined, you may seek it out yourself. Don't be ashamed.

What does it actually do?  That's the question that is elusive. Some people swear it works, giving glowing testimony in the adverts. A quick search for the words "Extenze fraud" returns hundreds of hits on the Google. So it seems that opinion is divided about the effectiveness of the stuff.

The contract extension awarded to Olivier Giroud seems analogous. It's a reach, I know.

Some people see Giroud as vital to the Arsenal attack. Well, yeah, when you play an entire season with him as your only striker, that's pretty effing vital to the entire team, don't you think? It's like a family with one auto, and if that auto goes out of service, you're well and truly fucked. Of course, no matter how shit the car is, you need it.

Some people see Giroud as a frustrating figure who can't perform on big occasions (Extenze fraud?), who misses wide open chances, who is a plodder, who spends as much time howling in Gallic frustration at his own inability to put the ball into the back of the net as he does playing his role.

Giroud has scored 11 and 16 goals in his first two league seasons. In 70 appearances he has scored 27 goals. In 73 appearances for Montpellier he scored 33 goals.

"The way Arsenal play" is a phrase I read attached to any discussion of Giroud where someone is vehemently defending him. I wonder why his defenders are always so vehement. They sound like people defending the USA's foreign policy. Calm down, it's really not that important that you convince the world that Giroud is the most important player in the world and you can inflate his goal scoring statistics to where it seems as though he's Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole combined.

It's fair to say that Giroud really does divide opinion as sharply as any player currently at Arsenal. His champions talk incessantly about his "hold up play" and how he "brings others into the attack" and certainly his "deft flicks and kicks."  That's brilliant stuff and with "the way Arsenal play" it's become necessary.

Oh and let's not forget that he defends on corner kicks very well. If you do forget that, his champions will vociferously remind you of it.

Every description of Giroud reminds me of how those who defended Emile Heskey spoke of the big fellow. Everything he did was vital to the overall cause wherever he played, as his managers and others were forced to remind you thanks to his poor goals return and glaring misses. "He works so hard," they said. "You don't measure everything he means to this team in stats alone," they chided.

This is what you say when a striker doesn't score, or doesn't score enough to justify being a striker. I think Duncan Ferguson had those same attributes, but because he was a violent twat nobody stood up to defend him. Big tall donkey men who don't score much are always vital in "those ways" because THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE.

"The way Arsenal play" has some sort of cast iron quality about it, and this was no more evident than after the Wigan FA Cup semifinal match and the criticism leveled at Lukas Podolski. "The way Arsenal play" means that you can't have a forward who "only" scores and crosses the ball well from the left. It's as though there is a Koran of Arsenal somewhere, or a Book of Leviticus, that sets forth the only ways Arsenal can play, and it is simply metaphysically impossible for that style to be altered to accommodate players' talents.

A team starved for goals can't alter its style of play to bring out goals from Lukas Podolski. It's a law, written somewhere, I know it. I can't find that book, but based on those who attack Poldi as "lazy" and a "passenger" and who defend Giroud, it does indeed exist.

(It should be noted that those who rant about Poldi's social media presence as somehow reflective of his worthlessness managed to keep opinions about Giroud's bedroom exploits to themselves. Well done, selective critics!)

"The way Arsenal play" and Olivier Giroud are inexorably linked now. He cannot be gotten rid of, he cannot be sat, he certainly cannot be criticised. He is above reproach. If you don't like him, people will bring up his assist in the FA Cup final (failing to mention his miss) and shout you down with it, saying that that moment alone is all the proof you need of Giroud's necessity.

I like the things that Giroud does well, I sincerely do. The problem is, if you build an entire attack, i.e. "the way Arsenal play," around one player, and your opponent manages to neutralise that player, you're fucked. Yes, I know Sanchez will change everything. I'm not saying he won't have a massive impact. I just want the liberty to point out that Giroud is not an effective striker and cuts a very frustrating figure up front. If he were NEVER called upon to score, I would say he's the best in the world at what he does.

It's those moments when he is needed, when a goal is vital, that I can't stand him. Let's hope that the arrival of Sanchez means we'll see something different in "the way Arsenal play." Otherwise, this extension could end up looking like Extenze--and not in the way it was advertised.

Tasty Manhattan leftovers, New Jersey Mosquitoes, Comings & Goings

Arsenal supporters took Manhattan over the weekend. Took it, you see, claimed it for their own, swarmed over the island in a red, white, yellow, and blue infestation. Everywhere I went, there was an Arsenal shirt, or hat, or socks, or probably some pants that I didn't see.

I'm certain that, as I proposed prior to the match, there were more supporters in the five boroughs (well, four at least, who really goes to Staten Island?) than there were tickets. Considering that there were still a large number of NYC Red Bulls supporters in the stands, along with some twatbiscuits in Chelsea shirts (what the hell, I mean really?  You wouldn't catch me anywhere near a Chelsea match ever in my life, ever, I would rather wager my entire fortune on England winning a penalty shoot out than go to a Chelsea match), there had to be more than 20,000 Gooners in New York.

The club and those behind the visit to the USA seemed to hedge their bets and didn't plan for large crowds "just to be safe," and didn't want to be embarrassed by planning for tens of thousands of supporters who have waited years to see their blessed club. The Puma/FA Cup display at Grand Central Station was so crowded that the police began turning people away. The pubs on 14th street on Friday night were overwhelmed and I'm sure that numerous fire codes were violated trying to accommodate the masses.

Sigh.

Arsene began to make noises during the trip about how annoying he found it, and how it was interfering with his pre-season plans, and how this would stop Arsenal from winning, and how it was a bad idea, etc. etc. etc. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

(I know he said positive things too. I'm not saying he ONLY said negative things, but he DID say pre-season tours interfere with season preparation. I'm tired of hearing this. Every big team does it, and then some of them go on to win things, because those are big teams. He hasn't won the league since 2004 and he had plenty of pre-seasons sequestered up in Austria with no tours to interfere with his plans, so maybe it's better to say nothing at all than leave oneself open for ridicule when Man City win the league after going on yet another sojourn around the planet.)

A message to Yank Gooners: The "Tottenham-Shit" chant gets old after the 30th time you do it in 2 hours. Yes, the Spuds are shit, yes, we hate them, but continually focusing on them makes them far more important than they should be. They're a small club in a swamp. Learn some new chants.

Nino's Pizza and Restaurant in Harrison, NJ, quite near the Red Bulls Arena is a delicious and affordable place to have a pre-match meal. If you're ever around the area, please pay them a visit. Every bar and other venue was packed beyond belief, but Nino's seated us immediately and was able to easily take care of our party of 6 with no trouble.

That was my first meal in New Jersey, a much maligned state, and I have to say it was quite good. If an English person tells you to get stuffed, tell him you will, you're going to Nino's!!! (Also, the stadium security allowed me to bring in half of my giant Italian sandwich rather than have it go to waste, so nicely done, Red Bulls.)

Our post-match beverages were consumed at a strange place called El Pastor across the river. Apparently it's a Red Bulls bar/restaurant/place, but it was overwhelmed by Gooners. This place is weird. Outside it has a noisy patio and looks like a university fraternity bar. Inside, there's a Mexican diner festooned with Portugal flags. Beyond that, there's a formal dining restaurant where the waiters wear ties. I have no idea what was going on there. 

The match itself was forgettable, other than I can now say that I've attended an Arsenal game in person, saw some of my favourite players, saw the King, and tried to get ANYONE to do the "Wright Wright Wright!" chant after Bradley's goal and realised that since I'd been following Arsenal longer than everyone around me, none of them knew what the hell I was talking about and looked at me like I was a mentalist.

Tim Cahill kicked Jack Wilshere all over the pitch and then joked about it on twitter. Cunt, still. Go back to Millwall. Jack played pretty well. Arsenal can't play a flat 5 with no striker. There's your expert analysis. 

It was nice to see Diaby. Chuba played well. That's Chuba Akpom, not Afobe, or Aneke. It's too bad all three of them didn't make the senior squad, what fun we could have had, calling them the "Three A-migos" or something. Whatever.  Hayden played very, very well. I don't know if what we saw on Saturday translates into being a senior centre half at Arsenal or not, but he was calm, and he made all the right decisions. Compared with poor Miquel he looked like Sol Campbell. Miquel, I think his time has come and gone.

The lesson from this weekend is that Arsenal support in the USA is massive. I met people from thousands of miles away who simply wanted to see their club. Not all of us can afford a flight across the Atlantic and a hotel in London and a ticket to Ashburton Grove. Thank you for thinking of those of us who love Arsenal FC, no matter how much it pained the gaffer to make the voyage.

Regarding the Chambers business and the loan of Jenko to some place, I'm a bit surprised and a bit saddened if this means that Carl is now out of favour. He's not only a Gunner, he's a Gooner. He's "one of us," as his goal celebration v. Norwich showed last season.  I don't think he's the finished product, either. What it means for his career could be construed as either positive (accelerating his development) or a pat on the back as he leaves the fold.

I can't say much about Chambers other than he held his own last season and the obvious thought that he can play multiple positions, which is a distinct advantage for a squad that can't spend an oil sheikh's cash. He's also English, so if the departure of TV5 actually happens, he has double the value.  But Jenko played well when Sagna was out injured and put in an impressive shift against Bayern at the Allianz. He's can run fast and he crosses the ball well. Right?

Four players in, that is approaching Wenger's accepted limit of incorporating new bodies into the squad without unsettling it. I'd be surprised if there's another. Chambers gives him cover at 3 positions that were needed this summer. He reminds me of the "versatile" players that MUFC have bought over the last few seasons, which means he'll probably see time at all 3.

As always, I'm happy to be proven wrong.

O $ay Can You $ee...

1989, another summer...when barely 10,000 people turned out in Miami's NFL gridiron stadium to watch the Arsenal Football Club defeat Argentine champions Independiente 2-1 on the strength of a brace by Rocky Rocastle in something called the Zenith Data Systems Challenge Trophy.

LINK: Local newspaper bothers to cover the match.

It was quite charitable of George Graham to field a very strong XI, but his post-match comments about "America needs to wake up" were far more telling. He certainly expressed a healthy scepticism about the USA's willingness to support the game, although in five years the nation would host what is still the most-attended World Cup in the tournament's history, re-launch a professional football league, and qualify for every World Cup finals since 1990 (England, ahem, 1994, ahem, cough cough). Yet at the time, with no interwebs to promote professional teams from Europe and South America, and more importantly no EA Sports FIFA video game to hype individual players, there was minimal interest in club football in the USA.

25 years is a long time to hold a grudge against an entire nation, however.

I've been very outspoken in my criticism of the decision makers at Arsenal (and by that I mean one person) and the club's unwillingness to come to the USA during the pre-season in the last 10 years, a time which has seen Spuds and Villa and Everton (hardly "big clubs") join the ranks of MUFC, Chelsea, Liverpool, and MCFC in touring the States.  Arsenal are a decade or more behind other clubs in England, Italy, Spain, and even Portugal in building the "brand" in the USA.

The growth of the Arsenal fan support in this country has been entirely organic, with attempts by the club to reach out to the millions of fans here seeming to come only grudgingly after much noise being made on this side of the Atlantic. That's a separate topic, but it seems that Arsenal took a nation of 330 million for granted until someone finally (to use Graham's term) "woke up" and noticed it.  Web stats show that the USA generates the second-most Arsenal-related web traffic after the United Kingdom. Anecdotal evidence suggests that Arsenal supporters routinely turn up in greater numbers at their local pubs and bars in the USA during match viewings. (This was certainly the case for our group in New Orleans, where the pub would open at 6:30 in the morning to cater to 30 or more bleary-eyed Gooners.)

Arsene Wenger notoriously loathed making pre-season tours, but was open to disrupting his Austrian camp preparations for far-flung trips to the workers paradise of Southeast Asia and other locales that seemed far more laborious to reach than the USA. A tour of Vietnam is nice, where the average annual income is less than $300 US, but isn't it a bit much to expect those folks to buy an AUTHENTIC (ahem) Arsenal kit that costs more than half that?

I know that I'm somewhat of an anomaly among the USA Gooners in that I've been following the club longer than Wenger has been the manager. I actually asked off work back in 2000 to go watch the Uefa Cup final (back then Cup finals could be played during the middle of the week with no thought to a USA television audience) and was one of 3 Yanks in an Atlanta soccer bar filled with ex-pats from both England and Turkey.  My allegiance to Arsenal is now stronger than that for any other sport team that I've grown up following and when I "married" my support to the club I agreed to do so for better or for worse.

Wenger's infamous stubborn nature, which is now cartoonish in its ability to be parodied, was part of the "worse" in our marriage.  Everyone knows that he essentially IS the decision maker at the club, that the board and Executive have deferred to him on every major move that has been made since Dein's departure. So one must think he had a hand in the club's failure to visit the USA even once while others made a concerted effort to grow their support and raise their profiles here.

The odd thing about Wenger's remarks the other day is that the translation of it seems to say, "We had no intention of coming to the USA until the support was big enough," rather than an intention to come here and proactively help grow that support. Every summer there would be sold-out matches in much bigger stadiums than Red Bulls across the USA featuring clubs such as AC Milan, Benfica, Barca, etc. along with Arsenal's English rivals. Chelsea?  Really?  A club that spent a considerable amount of time in the lower leagues before the arrival of Ken Bates?

It's so bizarre to think that Arsenal, at the moment that they were one of the two biggest clubs in England with some of the most famous World Cup-winning players on the planet in their team, didn't want to capitalise on that brand and equity to tour the USA. Or that when complaints about constraints on spending were the norm, nobody thought to raise a few million pounds on a visit to the States.  Or that if the option of doing so were mooted (and I'll assure you that someone over here more than likely reached out to Arsenal more than once during this time), that it was rejected out of hand.

(Side note--anyone who thinks that touring North America automatically interferes with pre-season preparation and will prevent winning a championship may want to look at the summer travel schedules of recent title-winning sides.)

As an example, when MUFC announced their summer tour of the USA back during the winter months, the accompanying article on ESPN noted that "Manchester United haven't toured the USA since 2011."  Wow! THAT LONG?  Two entire summers passed without a visit here?

I'm pleased that someone somewhere at Arsenal has forced this visit to the States on Arsene Wenger, and that the growth of support here was finally deemed worthy of it. It's a pity that it must be a one-off in a small stadium, considering the pent-up demand that so many of us here have, not ever having had the opportunity to see the club play live. I hope it's something to build upon. The integration of the Premier League into the culture in the USA has been underway for almost 15 years, and this country will represent a tremendous growth market for years to come.

After 25 years, it's nice to say "Welcome back, Arsenal. Now don't wait another quarter century to come again, please."

What's it all about, Alexi(s)?

After numerous discussions with fellow Gooners that started back in May, we came to the conclusion that of the available "big name" players (big name? world class? famous? in demand?), the one we'd like to see Arsenal acquire was Alexis Sanchez.

Got that? It wasn't even that we were saying who we'd expect to see come to Arsenal (Loic Remy), it was fantasy football.  Players from various leagues across Europe were mooted, and of all those, the one that we agreed upon was

ARSENAL'S NEW NUMBER 17, ALEXIS SANCHEZ.

I saw him play for Barcelona, and I wanted him to come to the Arsenal. Then that happened.

Oh, there were some other things that happened. The McPoyles (aka Liverpool Football Club) demanded that Sanchez come their way in a make weight deal as return for them losing their best player (and despite his perpetual biting, diving, and tendency to racially abuse black players, let's not deceive ourselves, Suarez was far and away their best player). They also got Rickie Lambert. That's a funny story.

Sanchez said, "Eh, hang on a minute! I don't really want to play for Liverpool. I don't like them, or their manager. I'D MUCH RATHER PLAY FOR THE ARSENAL."

Barcelona said, "Well, there's not much we can do about that. If you can't agree terms with Liverpool, we can't sell you to them." Then Juventus came along and said, "While we're signing Patrice Evra, who most people agree is utter shit, we'd like a bit of that Sanchez business," to which Sanchez and his agent replied, "Yeah? No thanks, really."

My opinion? This is the greatest signing for Arsenal since Dennis Bergkamp. That's almost 20 years that have passed since the other great signing in the club's history. Bergkamp was a superstar.

Yes, in that time, Arsenal signed Sol Campbell and Andrei Arshavin. Campbell was a free transfer, and Arshavin was...he was expensive, but probably not worth the price.

Last season Arsenal took advantage of the availability of Mesut Ozil after Real Madrid needed a bit of cash for the Bale deal. It was a great signing in terms of quality but not the same as this Sanchez deal. The reason being that, as great a player as he is, and I think he's magnificent, he wasn't a player that Arsenal particularly needed. It's great to have a brilliant talent, but Arsenal have a strong midfield in the attacking areas, and Mesut seemed a bit more of the same.

19 years have passed since Arsenal signed Bergkamp from Inter.

You may not remember it, but Bergkamp was not necessarily a brilliant star when Arsenal bought him, but he certainly was not a "typical" signing in the post-Graham, pre-Wenger era. Or hell, it was nothing like any signing Arsenal were making. Limpar? I hate to say it, because old Anders was such a great Gunner, but he was no Bergkamp.

Dennis was a genius, although at that moment he was a bit out of favour in Italy. Some people are mistaken that the story is "Arsene Wenger signed Bergkamp from Ajax." That would be so perfect, but it wasn't the truth. Bruce Rioch, Inter Milan, 1995, etc.

So, then, is Sanchez the biggest signing in Wenger's tenure at Arsenal?  Crikey, he signed some big names at Monaco. Actually, bigger names than he ever signed at Arsenal. I mean, you sign Klinzi and Hoddle, you're making a statement of intent. Fuck those Spud twats. But you understand what I mean.

Given the stakes, taking a "world class" forward like Sanchez from Barcelona, and keeping him from replacing Suarez at Liverpool, is an incredible signing. It fills a need with a dynamic, in-demand player. "Who are you, and what have you done with Arsene Wenger?"  Fills a need? Dynamic player? You mean you don't want to go through an entire campaign with only Olivier Giroud leading the line?

It's wages, not transfer fees, that drive the movement of players.  That's another reason I believe this is the biggest signing ever for Wenger, because I'm confident that Sanchez and his Mr. 20% didn't sign on to be a member of a new socialist order, or an old socialist order for that matter.  If Wenger is willing to blow up the wage structure even more, something is either very right or very wrong in Ashburton Grove. 

Ultimately, Arsenal can't compete with "the big clubs" on wages. If Sami Khedira wants £250k/week, it's unlikely that his destination is North London, despite his desire to drop round Mesut's flat and play the Xbox. Those are Chelsea/Man City/PSG/Monaco numbers. (Author's note: I would be more than happy to be proved wrong by any forthcoming developments.)

Another aspect of the Sanchez signing is that, as of now, no players have been moved along to offset the cost of his acquisition. This has been a hallmark of the Wenger era, that selling almost always preceded buying, or at least was being arranged. It makes one wonder, is he "front-loading" the squad with the cash on hand from new sponsorship deals, just as the club did when the move to the Grove first happened? Buy now when times are flush, go prudent again if the situation worsens?

It seems that the Sanchez signing has created more questions than it answers, at least from an existentialist point of view.  Until more signings arrive to fill the holes left by recent departures, we may not know. Strange delays in the introduction of the supposed new right back Debuchy, another fantasy football midfielder on order "from somewhere" but his identity remains a mystery are what we have. Oh, and the best striker available this summer. We have that, too.

No way that just happened...

 

In cinematic history, there have been few scenes quite like the one where a comatose deer awakens in the back of Richard's car in "Tommy Boy." 

In metaphorical terms, this is what Germany did to Brasil.

The scene is going in what one would think is a predictable direction, with no hint that the deer is about to wake up and destroy a vintage auto.  It takes a matter of seconds, and when it's over, all Richard can do is stare in shock and say "No way that just happened." 

Oh but it did, Richard. It did. 

I've seen a lot of football in my life. I've seen Arsenal take it up the proverbial hole to the tune of 8-2 at Old Trafford. I don't think in all that time I've ever seen anything quite like that I saw today.

What can you say after the host nation receives an anal pounding like the one that Brasil took today?  You don't offer perspective. You don't recount what happened. What's the point?

The deer woke up and destroyed the car. I suppose that Germany awoke as well. Or something.

Could Brasil be that bad? Awful? Horrendous? Wretched?  Pathetic? Useless? 

The story must be about Brasil, not about Germany. The shower that was Brasil's defence had nothing at all to do with poor Neymar. I don't even know how you explain what happened.  Barry Glendenning didn't know how to explain it. Baz's Guardian minute-by-minute recounting of that thing that happened.

Remember, this was a World Cup semifinal match, played by Brasil, who hadn't lost on home soil since 1975. 1975! Do you even understand how long that has been?  This was supposed to be the tournament that coronated Brasil and justified the somewhat troubling expense of staging this event there. This was supposed to be a reward.  

Instead, it was the most amazing, horrible, unthinkable bottom-spearing of a football contest that one could ever see. Arsenal's capitulation at Stamford Bridge on Wenger's 1000th match wasn't nearly this stunning. It was shite, but it wasn't this stunning. This was...

No way that just happened.

I'm nobody. Who are you?

Summer football, had me a blast. England were great--whoops! That's in the past!

Before the tournament, I picked the Argies to beat Brasil in the Maracana. After yesterday, I have to say that the Peronistas now look like the team most likely. The only blight on their possibilities is the injury to di Maria, one of my favourite players on the planet and other than Messi one of the engines of a side that are solid if unspectacular. They seem organised, disciplined, and talented enough to overcome whatever is set before them.

You feel watching the Argies that they're a bit of Italy light ca. 2006.  They defend with a purpose and players like Mascherano go out to interfere with the opposing attack and have the ability to accomplish that. They're so good that the shower that is Demichelis is completely disguised as a competent defender.

As much as I don't believe that a completely corrupt body such as FIFA would "allow" Brasil to lose this Cup, I think a Germany v. Argentina final ought to be on order. Imagine how conflicted former Nazis would feel! (Are there any left?  I hope not, but I won't let that stand in the way of a good nationalistic slur.)

This is how I feel about Holland: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJ882QYzr-M


As for this blog, and the Arsenal, and all that, I just wanted to give a salute (I give salutes, not shoutouts, because I'm too old to give shoutouts) to the ITK bloggers during this transfer summer. Now, I'm not talking about "self-styled" ITK bloggers. No, I'm talking about the REAL ITK bloggers; those fellows who have been enlisted by the club to distribute the official line about goings on within the marble halls. Wink! You know who you are!

These people are the ones who all trotted out simultaneous columns and posts last year after the FA Cup semifinal that Podolski "couldn't play" because he's a lazy passenger who doesn't put in a real shift and only strikers who defend (Please. I don't understand it either.) can start at Arsenal. Then he scored 4 goals in the next two matches and they all had to backtrack and say, "Er, hmm, well, he did it against shit teams" as though scoring against ANYBODY is somehow not valuable (see "Giroud, Olivier: 27 league goals over the course of two seasons").

I knew that some of these people had close ties to the club and I don't slate them for that. If Ivan called me up and said he'd fly me to London and give me a tour of the training facilities, I'd probably be a complete whore for their drips and drabs of spin myself. That's no judgment, or judgement, against them.

Rather, I simply point out that where Arsenal are concerned, I'm nobody. I'm grateful that Georgina Turner reads my posts, but beyond that I'm literally less than a blip on the Arsenal radar. So nothing I write has been sanctioned or influenced by the club. Therefore I can say "I wish Arsene weren't managing Arsenal anymore" and you can be sure that it wasn't a story planted by the publicity staff.

So what do the hints from the ITK bloggers tell us? Since we know that they're essentially mouthpieces for the club, we can predict that Debuchy is definitely coming to Ashburton Grove, and that Sanchez is most likely not. When one of these insiders tells us "sounds like Higuain rumours" or "don't get your hopes up," it's coming from the club, not their intuition. Because that would be some more intuition.

One of them is the most widely read Arsenal blogger and he's never wrong. The other is "Mr. Rational Statistical Analysis Man" and he's never wrong, either. And one thing you notice about each of them is that they don't ever openly impugn Arsene Wenger. I'm sorry that I do that, because it means no matter the quality of my musings, I'll never be an ITK insider.

So there you have it. Expect Debuchy and some injured teenagers available on Bosman frees to show up this season. Don't believe me?  No problem. Accept the word of those who are truly "in the know."