I'm not one for conspiracies, or, at least I hope I'm not. The idea of shadow governments, backroom deals, under-the-table payoffs, and secretive, hush-hush agreements seem exciting, but in the long run there is so little chance that human beings will keep silent that conspiracies will almost always come to light. Not only that, but most conspiracy theories, no matter how elaborate, are really just attempts to simplify difficult outcomes.
Our minds find it hard to accept random events, to believe in the arbitrary nature of the universe. Conspiracy theories are, at their simplest, a god-substitute.
Having said all that, when the 2010 FIFA World Cup draw was made, at least one group looked to me to be fixed. One group, C, and one match: USA v. England, taking place this Saturday, 12 June.
I, and millions of others in America, wanted this match. There's "Something About England," and their supporters, and football, and El Equipo de Todos, as Fernando Fiore called Team USA in 2002.
To follow football in America and be American had until recently involved one method that could be both convivial and contentious: The local ex-pat "English Pub," and making a pilgrimage there each Saturday or Sunday morning to view the Premier League via the bar's satellite feed. The Englishmen in those pubs could never take the Yanks seriously, never listen to their reasonable opinions spoken in American accents, and never miss an opportunity to slate them and their knowledge of the game.
Loud and obnoxious, rude and profane, the English in America took great pleasure in slagging off American football fans, American culture, American ales and lagers, and above all else "soccer" in America. The English, as they may on occasion humbly remind the rest of the world, invented the game! How could their ignorant American cousins know anything about it, or understand it at even the most rudimentary level?
Never mind that in their long history of playing their native sport, the English have won exactly ONE major (i.e., World Cup or Uefa Championship) tournament, that that victory took place on home soil, and that, in case they haven't reminded you lately about it, it took place 44 years ago. No, never mind that. They are the keepers of the game and its traditions. They are the honest, hard-working "lads" who play in the spirit of fairness, who only lose because of cheating referees, diving and conniving "Johnny Foreigners," dodgy pitches, or even the Hand of God!
And we, naive little colonists, despite having beaten England in the World Cup finals in 1950 (before our somewhat self-imposed 40-year absence from the tournament), cannot understand such things. We call it soccer, we weren't steeped in the traditions of the game, Wembley, Alf Ramsey, Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton, Geoff Hurst, Terry Butcher, Gazza's tears, Gareth Southgate, Stuart Pearce...
The English football supporter cannot see himself as a whinging, myopic, self-absorbed c**t.
The USA is a nation of some 300,000,000 people. If 90% of our population ignore football, 30 million are still following it. When big foreign clubs tour the USA each summer, the grounds--which, I might add, hold more supporters than all but the largest venues in England--are sold out. Suddenly, there are bars and pubs where the customers are more American than English on those Saturday mornings. A large influx of Latin Americans into the country have influenced our tastes. We have professional teams in cities across North America--and I'm not just talking the MLS, as I can go and watch the New Orleans Jesters versus teams from across the southeastern United States.
Knowing all this, I think most Americans who follow the sport are at the end of our patience and willingness to accept that the average loudmouthed Englishman, through his very DNA, knows more about football than we do. I think we are sick of the patronising tone of their commentators and pundits. I think the ignorance of how popular the sport is here in America that they routinely show needs to be enlightened. I think John Motson needs to be taught a lesson.
Before the World Cup draw, I told my football-following friends that I wanted one game for the USA, and that really, only one game mattered. I wanted our boys to take on England, on the world's biggest stage. Strangely enough, the one game that mattered is going to take place, out of a blind draw! A game that will be played at 2:00 in the afternoon, East Coast time. On the opening Saturday of the tournament. Televised on America's largest sports network.
Conspiracy theory? Certainly not. FIFA, those fine, upstanding gentlemen, would never engage in such behaviour!
I'll see you this weekend. If the USA lose to England, so be it. All we wanted is the chance. And thanks to the completely random events of the World Cup draw, we have it.
p.s.--Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Steven Gerrard, and Ashley Cole are cunts.
