It was a hobby, not a lifestyle

I once starred in a series of porn videos aimed at the avid golfer. The title of the series was “The In-The-Hole” series. My screen name was “Woody Driver.” Some of our titles included:

“First, Second, and Third Holes”

“69, One Under”

“Gripping The Shaft”

“Picking Up A Stroke”

“Long and Straight”

It was extremely popular, to the point that I couldn’t get a tee time anywhere because my very appearance at the clubhouse would cause such a distraction that guys were shanking balls all over the place.

Imagine my chagrin.

Lang-u-age

I so hate interweb communication. What is with "dudes" calling grown women "girl?"

You know, "Aw girl, it's gon be aright."

To them, I say, "Aw, dude, go fuck yourself. You're not Donnie Wahlberg are you?"

Or how about "Hit me up?" "Hit me up wit sumpin."

Yeah. You're really a rap genius, there, Tupac. I've got an idea. How about I "hit you up" with a brick upside yo head an' shiz?

I'm old, I guess. It just doesn't seem cool.
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I sort-of shaved my head yesterday in preparation for the big move to New Orleans. It gets hot there, I don't know if you heard that. Oh, and I like to perspire. It's one of my hobbies. My hair was looking like crap over the last week when I was there searching for my apartment, and since I'm so vain, I had to compensate. Think the Mekong delta, the rainy season, charlie in the bushes, getting stronger.


Summer in the Crescent City--
Is it the heat, or the humidity?


That's it. If I had moved to Minnesota, it would be "The Shining." But now it's "Apocalypse Now." The original version--the one that doesn't suck.

I'm pleased with my lodging choice. The digs themselves are basic, not that enticing, but the surroundings...wow. It's the former carriage house of a mansion built around the turn of the century, out Esplanade way, two blocks from the track. I have a gazebo. Who can resist a gazebo? And a fountain. And a racetrack. I have a coffee shop across the road for Sunday morning decompression. I have a feeling that my life there is going to be Spartan. Stay out of the Quarter and I'll be fine.

I'm weak, you know. If confronted with a crisis, I'm usually pretty good. Pretty calculating. It's the inability to master the common tasks that gets me down.
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Speaking of the track, I'd like to say that the only sports worth discussing are horseracing, boxing, futbol, and college basketball. On occasion, you can throw golf in there. I used to include baseball but, uh, it's like boring and stuff.

I don't mean it's boring compared to the NFL or the NBA or that ice sport, I mean, wtf happened to the game I grew up playing? Remember that? Speed is fun.